


30 Days

by MagicMage



Series: Joshua Shepard [8]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: 30 Day OTP Challenge, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Harassment, non-canon Shepard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 21:48:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2483618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicMage/pseuds/MagicMage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joshua Shepard and Kaidan Alenko in 30 different challenges. It's these two so expect lots of angst.</p><p>30 Day NSFW OTP Challenge (http://bluebellglowinginthedark.tumblr.com/post/31013467173/30-days-otp-challenge-nsfw-version)</p><p>Will be probably leaving some out, or possibly changing them up  a bit as they don't really apply to these characters very well. Also there's no actual timeline in this story, it just looks like it because it's all timed basically in the same place, but it is in no way linear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Naked Cuddles

**Author's Note:**

> This'll probably take me more than 30 days, busy busy, but I thought it would be fun. A few of them I don't think I'll be able to do, but if anyone has suggestions or alternate prompts for me I would be 100% open to them!  
> 1\. Cuddles (naked)  
> 2\. Kiss (naked)  
> 3\. First time (I've already done this one, so suggestions?)  
> 4\. Masturbation  
> 5\. Blow job  
> 6\. Clothed getting off  
> 7\. Dressed/naked (half dressed)  
> 8\. Skype sex  
> 9\. Against the wall  
> 10\. Doggy style  
> 11\. Dom/sub (probably not this one, suggestions?)  
> 12\. Fingering  
> 13\. Rimming  
> 14\. 69  
> 15\. Sweet and passionate  
> 16\. In public place  
> 17\. On the floor  
> 18\. Morning lazy sex  
> 19\. Outdoors, woods, parks, gardens  
> 20\. Your own kink  
> 21\. Shower sex  
> 22\. On the desk  
> 23\. Trying new position  
> 24\. Shy  
> 25\. With toys  
> 26\. Boring sex  
> 27\. Rough, biting, scratch  
> 28\. Role playing  
> 29\. With food  
> 30\. Whatever pleases you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan hasn't been around very much recently, having returned to the Spectres and the Alliance. Joshua is trying to keep to himself that he's still having nightmares, but he's not doing a very good job of it.

Suddenly Joshua was awake. He stared out into the darkness of his bedroom and took deep breaths. He’d dreamt and been woken up by said dream, and by the state of his thudding heart and frayed nerves he would have to say it had probably been a nightmare. They never went away, he dealt with them daily and nightly. This one had flitted away just as soon as his eyes snapped open into the darkness, leaving only the tail end of panic as he realised where he was, that he’d been sleeping and not whatever it was the dream had made him think he was doing.

Kaidan usually woke up when he woke up from these dreams, usually because he called out, or sat up, or thrashed in some way. Yet somehow this time he’d managed to stay asleep, maybe because he hadn’t lashed out when he woke up.

He could feel his back pressed against him. They always stayed close when sleeping together, some part of them touching even when they were facing in opposite directions. Right know he could feel every part of Kaidan’s back from just below his shoulder blades to his buttocks.

He could wake Kaidan up, but instead he just thought strongly of how their skin touching made him feel. Part of him _did_ want to wake Kaidan up, the other wanted to let the poor man sleep because he hadn’t been home in a while and he probably needed it. He also missed having Kaidan in their bed, just near him.

Just as he was considering getting up and wandering around their large apartment for a while instead of going back to sleep, because god knows he wouldn’t sleep for a while with the way his heart was thudding in his chest, Kaidan rolled over and draped his arm over his waist in his sleep. Well, now he was stuck. Either he’d have to lie there quietly or wake up Kaidan moving.

Joshua sighed, snuggling back into his lover and feeling entirely powerless to pull out of his hold no matter how weak it was. Now he could feel an entirely different part of Kaidan, his broad and well-muscled chest pressed up against his shoulders, his stomach pressed against his back, even his soft cock pressed up against his butt.

Maybe, maybe, if he focused on Kaidan touching him, and being near him, and actually waking up and being able to feel Kaidan holding him for once, he’d feel better. He was safe here at least, in Kaidan’s arms with Kaidan all around him. He reached back with one of his feet, running it up Kaidan’s leg gently before letting it rest on top of it. Even in his sleep Kaidan knew to entangle their legs together when he did it.

He really wanted to wake him up. He didn’t even have an explanation for why, he couldn’t even remember which dream he’d had. He knew that Kaidan wouldn’t resent him for waking him up, but that didn’t meant that he should and he didn’t want Kaidan to have even the slightest shred of doubt that he would be okay to leave on his next mission in the morning.

He couldn’t let Kaidan know that he wanted more than anything to ask him to request to be stationed on Earth and forget about the Spectre-Council bullshit.

Joshua swallowed thickly and stared out into the darkness where he knew their closet was, doors closed, clothes inside. He absolutely could not tell him that he was still having those nightmares which left him panicked, sobbing, and paralysed by his own demons some nights and mornings.

He took hold of Kaidan’s hand, which had splayed over his chest. He squeezed, only lightly, and was surprised when he felt the squeeze back.

“Mm…why’re you awake?” Kaidan asked him sleepily.

“Nothing,” Joshua told him, sounding wide awake in vast contrast to Kaidan’s slightly slurred question.

“Nothing? At all?” Kaidan asked, sounding a bit more awake and resting his chin on his shoulder. He was tugged closer, tugged back against Kaidan’s solid form, his warmth, and his safety. Kaidan’s other arm slipped between his waist and the bed, wrapping up and around him as well.

“Just woke up.” He didn’t like having to lie. “Sorry for waking you up too.”

“No, I _want_ you to wake me up Joshua,” Kaidan told him, then kissed his shoulder gently.

“I know.”

Kaidan sighed, seemingly accepting his answer even though he knew it wasn’t honest, and squeezed him gently. They were long past him being able to get lies past Kaidan, it just didn’t happen anymore.

“Just relax, I’ll stay here and keep you safe,” Kaidan told him gently. Joshua nodded slowly, knowing he only meant for the night, knowing he wouldn’t actually be able to stay. He would at least be safe for as long as Kaidan was there, even if he was leaving in the morning to go on his next assignment.

“Sorry,” he muttered softly, mostly for his selfishness, only partially because he’d woken Kaidan up.

Kaidan snuggled into his shoulder. “It’s all fine Joshua, go back to sleep if you can.”

He wouldn’t sleep for a while, he knew it and Kaidan knew it, but he’d be safe in Kaidan’s arms. Kaidan would fall asleep before him, but he’d hold onto him all night. Even if he was leaving in the morning.


	2. Naked Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the night before the Cerberus attack and Joshua can't sleep, despite having already been put to bed once before. Kaidan does a good job of distracting him, because Kaidan is distracting.

“Shepard?”

Joshua looked up from his spot on the couch, at the formerly sleeping man in his bed. He was still having a hard time believing that Kaidan had even shown up, eve before their final show down with Cerberus or not. Kaidan sat up, the blankets falling to his waist as he did so. Joshua set his datapad down beside him on the couch, eyes running down the line of Kaidan’s body.

He hadn’t bothered to put any of his clothes back on when he’d woken up, and he noted that Kaidan eyed him as well. It made him feel loved and appreciated.

“I thought you were going back to bed,” Kaidan told him, sounding disappointed.

Joshua sighed, standing up from the couch and shrugging slightly as he did so. Kaidan looked up at him from the bed for a moment before sighing as well and shuffling out of the bed.

“No it’s fine you go back to sleep,” Joshua protested, taking a step forward and watching as Kaidan ignored him entirely and got up anyways. As Kaidan came towards him he reached up his arms to wrap around him anyways.

“If you’re not sleeping, why should I be?” Kaidan asked, kissing him gently and looking down at him affectionately. Joshua sighed, pressing himself against Kaidan and kissing him back.

He vividly remembered their activities earlier, how Kaidan had felt in side him, how desperate yet gentle he’d been. Even now, pressed up against him, he could feel himself reacting to the memories. He’d never imagined that Kaidan would come up to the cabin and push him down into the bed.

He moaned, reaching to grip Kaidan’s ass and revelling in the lusty growl which rumbled in his throat. He was already panting softly when Kaidan pulled away. He pressed their foreheads together.

“I’m busy…” Joshua complained, feeling slightly annoyed when Kaidan shook his head at him. “Kaidan I have to figure everything out.”

Kaidan kissed him again, he pulled him closer and Kaidan’s hands came to rest on his lower back and butt. “You’ve figured everything out at least two hundred times now.”

“What if it doesn’t work? What if I screw it up?” Joshua wondered anxiously.

Kaidan sighed, shaking his head slightly and brushing his bangs off of his forehead. “I love you, and I know that no matter what happens, you’ll try your damn well hardest.”

“It’s not enough.”

Kaidan smiled at him lopsidedly, then cupped his cheek and pulled him into another warm kiss. He huffed out through his nose and let himself melt into his lover’s arms. He’d never expected for this to happen either, that it would be okay for them to do this, they he’d be able to refer to Kaidan as his lover even in his own mind.

“It’s _more_ than enough Joshua,” Kaidan told him, lips moving against his. Joshua replied with a soft moan as Kaidan ran his tongue over his lips. “Come back to bed, please.”

Well, that was it, he wasn’t going to be able to say no to Kaidan. He’d never been able to say no. He sighed softly, pulling away only to tilt his head at him and see if he’d back off. Kaidan just gave him an expectant look, and so he nodded slowly.

“Yeah, okay.”

They broke apart, only long enough for them both to crawl back into the bed, facing each other over the blankets. Joshua slung his leg over Kaidan’s pulling him closer and pressing his chest up against him. Kaidan responded by slipping one arm under his head, the other drawing light circles over his chest.

Joshua sighed against Kaidan’s lips, Kaidan chuckled softly and Joshua shivered.

“I love you,” Joshua gasped, as Kaidan fingers ran over his nipple.

“I love you too,” Kaidan replied softly, pressing his lips against his gently. Joshua parted his lips, feeling Kaidan’s tongue flick against his bottom lip. He inhaled sharply through his nose, feeling like he was drunk on Kaidan’s essence.

Everything was right, at that moment, with Kaidan’s hand discovering his chest, the other tugging him closer, with his own leg slowly but surely pulling Kaidan closer as well, and their lips pressed together.

He couldn’t even bring himself to think about the next few hours, or the long hours after that, or to think about the datapad with all the numbers he’d left on the couch.

All that mattered was that he could feel Kaidan’s lips, his hands, and his cock heavy and hard on his thigh. And, when he cracked his eyes open, Kaidan was looking at him with a great deal of love and affection, which meant everything to him right now.


	3. Leering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is supposed to be the 'first time' prompt, but that's else where and so this is the 'I had to come up with my own thing and it's not really nsfw, but here you go' prompt.
> 
> Joshua being a letch. And thinking he should go to jail for it.
> 
> Added tag and warning for: Sexual Harassment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how the last chapter got posted twice, sorry about that!!
> 
> I moved to Japan so my writing is going to be a -bit- late for a while, while I settle in and get used to school and stuff, so sorry about that. Expect the next chapter of the big one some time this next week though, it's halfway done. :)
> 
> Still looking for prompt replacement for:  
> Day 11: Dom/sub - If you can come up with something different that would be great.

Thank god for the showers on the Normandy. After every mission they were forced by need and social conventions to go to the showers and strip out of their sticky undersuits, and at this point it didn’t even bother Joshua anymore, no. At this point he took every chance to ask Kaidan on missions and explorations and was trying really hard to tell himself it _wasn’t_ for the chance to see him in the showers.

That was definitely sexual harassment, which was bad, and he knew that. Commanding Officers did not sexually harass crew. But seeing Kaidan’s biotic _godliness_ in the shower was…something else.

He’d already reluctantly reserved himself to the painful truth that his feelings would never be returned. Kaidan had told him that he wasn’t interested, and had fixed him with a look that he could only interpret as disgust. Not much he could do about it.

Yet, Kaidan didn’t seem uncomfortable showering with him, he would make conversation and sometimes talk about their last mission. He’d often make comments about Joshua’s driving, even though he was a _great_ driver or the Mako wouldn’t have _survived_ that fifty foot drop.

Bringing Wrex on missions was a bonus because he usually said that he didn’t want to take showers with humans because they had too many fleshy bits and he would take one later when he wouldn’t have to also wash out his eyes afterwards.

So today in the shower it was just him and Kaidan. Kaidan with his back to him because he’d gone straight into the shower and hadn’t had to deliver a datapad to his room first. When he entered, Kaidan looked over his shoulder and nodded at him. Joshua smiled, he always did when Kaidan caught his gaze.

“Well that was…warm,” Kaidan told him, turning back to the wall and running soap up his sides.

There had already been soap on his back and it was rinsing right down between his buttocks. Joshua followed the trail for a moment before remembering that Kaidan had asked him a question and that getting excited _now_ was a bad idea.

He set up adjacent to Kaidan so that they could still talk comfortably, but also so he could still have a view of that ass if he so chose.

He was well aware that what he was doing was wrong, he felt a certain amount of guilt for it. He would never actually go anywhere near Kaidan without his permission, part of the reason he always chose a shower just a little ways away from Kaidan was because he wanted to give him space. But it wasn’t right, it was just the same as when he caught Joker leering at Liara.

Still. Kaidan’s legs flexed just so and…damn it what had he said again? Hot… yes? No, warm. Right.

“Class 2 heat warning,” Joshua said, hoping that was what Kaidan had been talking about.

“So, why did we go there again?” Kaidan asked, turning to face him halfway. Joshua made sure his gaze stayed on his face and didn’t wander to look at his well-muscled chest, or his thighs, or…

“I was bored I guess.” He turned to the wall of the shower. “There _were_ mercs there that tried to kill us.”

Kaidan snorted. “You and your mercs.”

Every time they did this, every time, I told himself it would be the last. He wouldn’t be doing this anymore, it was wrong, he was objectifying someone he claimed to love. He’d try to shower after everyone else so that he could avoid this.

 He chuckled awkwardly, reaching for the soap and running it through his hair. His hair always felt awful and oily when he got into showers, from the gel that he used to keep his bangs out of his face. So paying attention to getting all of it out of his hair when he washed it was something he could do instead of staring at Kaidan’s ass, or the way he shuffled from foot to foot as he worked soap into his own hair, or how, when he turned just so, he would almost see…well, _everything_.

No. Stop.

He closed his eyes, shook his head, and took a deep breath.

“Hey, Commander? You alright?” Kaidan asked.

Shit. “Yeah, fine. I think the heat got to me is all, I’ll probably just lie down after this.” Lying was preferable to being caught for what he’d been doing.

“Maybe you should go to and see Dr. Chakwas?” Kaidan asked. The other shower turned off and Kaidan was suddenly at his side. “We could get it checked out.”

Joshua turned, trying very hard to keep a straight face and his gaze at a kosher level. “Nah, I’ll be fine.”

Sometimes he regretted telling Kaidan that he didn’t need to be formal with him when they were alone. He’d meant something _very_ different when he’d said it, but Kaidan had taken it that they were buddies. Now when they were alone he treated him like an equal, and that meant things like…patting his shoulder when his skin felt very over sensitized and having no idea what he was doing.

“Well, okay then.” Kaidan shrugged, and went to get his stuff. Joshua faced the wall, counted the tiles, and didn’t think about Kaidan bending over, or him bending Kaidan over, or Kaidan bending him over.

Nope.

“I’ll see you later then, Shepard,” Kaidan said, somewhere behind him. Good, behind him was good right now.

“Yeah, take care Kaidan,” he said back, nodding hoping that Kaidan didn’t come in closer at any angle which may give him sight of…anything.

The door to the showers opened and closed, and Joshua pressed his forehead against the wall. He was probably the worst commanding officer ever. If he were Hackett he would put himself on trial and then court martial himself.

But Kaidan’s _ass_ …and his thighs, and his arms and his face and his…damn it.


	4. Masturbation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during ME2.
> 
> Joshua has a lot of self hate. But apparently he's also good at self love.

It had been a long day.

As Joshua entered the cabin which was apparently his on the Normandy just about the only thing he could think about was going to bed. He needed a shower though, having just completed a long mission. He was gross and so was the rest of him. So a shower was in order, which meant standing naked in the little bathroom in the cabin which was apparently his and thinking about how the ship’s AI was probably watching him.

It was like some terrible karmic payback for stalking the geth during the Geth War, which _still_ felt like yesterday.

The AI was the reason he always changed in the bathroom, why he wore his armour up to his room and then took it off behind the closed door. At least he could pretend she wasn’t watching.

So he stepped into the bathroom and began unclipping and unlatching his armour from itself and his undersuit. When he’d piled it up in a nice uniform mound by the door he stood up and caught himself in the mirror. He scowled at himself, missing the scar which had once been on his lip, the acid burns which had covered the rest of his body, the slash mark he’d had on his chest. Miranda had inadvertently erased his past in the quest for aesthetic beauty.

He shrugged, tugging off his undersuit’s shirt and tossing that on top of his armour pile before following with the pants.

Everything he’d been wanting to do with privacy he’d been doing in the bathroom, changing, writing in the stupid journal Garrus had told him to keep, he’d even gone into the bathroom to send a communication to Anderson because if Cerberus had _any_ actual human decency they wouldn’t put cameras in the bathroom…right?

His omnitool was probably being tapped anyways, but it was better than having the ship’s AI spying on him.

With a great sigh he turned to the shower, making sure again that the armour was out of the spray zone, and set it to the hottest he could manage. He wanted to get the sheen of sweat off of his body, but he also wanted to wash away the awful unclean feeling he’d had since waking up. He couldn’t tell if it was because he was working with Cerberus or because he’d died so he was supposed to be dead, but he’d been taking warmer, longer, showers recently.

He let his head fall against the wall, forehead pressing to the cold metal while the hot water cascaded over him, and he just stood there.

As usual, at times like this, his mind wandered and, as usual, it ran right smack dab into Kaidan, into the look Kaidan had given him on Horizon, the look which had gone from warm to cold in a split second. He shook his head against the wall. Thinking of Kaidan always did one of two things, either he ended up frustrated, or he ended up horny…and frustrated. He remembered how Kaidan had hugged him after they’d defeated Sovereign, how he’d thought for just a split second that _maybe_ Kaidan had started to have feelings for him after all.

He’d started his advances again at that point, in the weeks after the Geth War where they were drifting through Terminus space for no reason. He’d thought…but no, he was wrong. He’d done unsavory things to him too, watching him in the shower on the SR-1, imagining him in all sorts of compromising positions the likes of which erotic vid makers would probably envy.

Even now he couldn’t stop the dreams. The night before…he’d dreamt of warm hands and breath all over him, in the dark, and he hadn’t known at first who had been touching him. Too much sensory overload had made it hazy and the pleasure almost uncomfortable. Then, just in a whisper by his ear, “God yes, Joshua,” right before he’d been penetrated—and subsequently woken up. Kaidan hadn’t even ever called him by his first name before, but he’d woken up hot, bothered, and ended up pacing the cabin for an hour afterwards reciting regulations of council space in his head.

Even at this moment, he sighed, his body was reacting to the memory of the dream and he shook his head against the wall again. There was something both annoying and frustrating in only having to think of Kaidan and his beautiful body to get himself going. It was distracting, he didn’t have time for all of this stuff that not-dead people did.

He didn’t even know what it felt like for Kaidan to touch him, and yet his body craved it. His over active imagination provided him with countless images, of all the things they _could_ have done together. Kaidan touching him, him touching Kaidan. Kaidan doing that thing he liked with fingers lightly exploring over his body. Him finding a spot which made Kaidan moan and putting it to good use. He groaned softly, squared his stance a bit more on the tile floor, took himself in hand and started stroking.

In his mind Kaidan stood behind him in the shower, pressed up against him, their bodies both slick from the water. Joshua could feel Kaidan’s eager hardness pressed up against his ass, and Kaidan’s arm wrapped around him as he took him in hand and stroked.

“You like that?” Kaidan would ask.

He would nod and croak out, “yes,” because it was Kaidan and anything Kaidan did he liked. Kaidan would rest his chin on his shoulder and start thrusting lightly against his ass in time with his strokes, then pause as he explored with his hand, fingers running teasingly up his inner thighs, rolling his balls in the palm of his hand until Joshua whined at the lack of proper contact and he went back to his task.

Joshua moaned and thrust into his hand, thinking at the back of his mind that if Cerberus were watching they’d probably use this against him later, but he was too engrossed in his pleasure to stop now.

He wanted to get on his knees and suck that glorious cock which he’d only seen a handful of times, feel Kaidan run his fingers through his hair as he looked up and watched his head fall back and the pleasure on his face.

He wanted to feel Kaidan inside him and feel the inside of Kaidan. To be able to thrust into that heat while he held on to his gorgeous hips, and had probably the best view of his well-defined ass.

His stroke hitched slightly at the thought, another soft moan pushing past his lips.

He wanted to hear Kaidan say his _name_ , and be fucked so hard that he couldn’t do anything but cry _Kaidan’s_ name.

His grip increased slightly of its own accord and he almost slipped on the tile, bringing up his other arm to brace himself on the wall.

He gasped. “Fuck…” And thrust more smoothly into his hand, closing his eyes and lifting his head, his mouth falling open as he imagined Kaidan’s hands on him again.

He whined slightly, desperately wanting his release, but not quite catching it. He grit his teeth, brace himself against the wall with his shoulder, reached back with his now free hand and began running a finger gently across his own entrance.

He should probably have felt shame that he knew how to do this so expertly by now, but he didn’t. He hummed with pleasure, despite his only lubrication being water which made his penetration sting a bit, and probed with his finger, then added a second alongside it.

If he tried hard enough he could pretend it was Kaidan’s fingers as well, expertly brushing against the walls of his sensitive passage and finding his sweet spot with no problem. The angle making it a bit awkward, only really being able to just reach it, and causing him small sparks of pleasure as opposed to the fireworks that it could be in other positions.

But it was enough.

He moaned, his head resting against the wall alongside his shoulder as he thrust forward and back. It could almost be Kaidan. He thought of Kaidan slipping another finger into him, and stretching his fingers out. The coil of pleasure that the thought caused caught, and just like that he came into his hand, crying Kaidan’s name out softly and gasping as he rode out his orgasm.

When he came back to himself he sighed, holding both his hands out under the spray and collecting soap in them to wash them off. The rest of the evidence had already disappeared down the drain.

He was completely pathetic. The stupid AI was probably watching and taking notes, and Kaidan was _never_ going to be in this shower, or any shower which he was occupying. Kaidan was off somewhere being a good soldier while he stood in a shower _masturbating_.

He needed to get drunk, really drunk. Hopefully Thane and Garrus were feeling up to it tonight.


	5. Giving Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua agonises over something they've never done before, sucks at communication, so Kaidan takes the lead.

He really wanted to try it. But how was he supposed to go up to his lover and just announce that he wanted to suck his cock? They’d never done it before, even in the heat of the moment. Kaidan was so straight laced and even though he was pretty sure that _all guys_ liked receiving head, what if he only liked receiving it from a woman?

Sometimes that aspect of their relationship that they never spoke about, how Kaidan had been apparently straight up until that moment he decided to leap at Apollo’s on the Citadel, made it harder for Joshua to really know how to please him. He knew well enough how to please a gay guy, but what if Kaidan didn’t like…well all of that stuff?

He’d topped before, a few times, tentatively and Kaidan had…mostly seemed to enjoy it once he was used to it, but he didn’t want to push him too far.

So he was sitting on their couch in their apartment in Vancouver agonising over whether or not Kaidan would let him suck his cock… He was probably 15 again, somewhere around there. There was no way that a full grown man should be wondering about stuff like this. He should have enough self-esteem to just go with it, and if Kaidan didn’t like it he’d just switch gears or whatever.

No, instead he was creating for himself the right uncomfortable experience of sitting on the couch with a raging hard-on while waiting for Kaidan to arrive home from work. He shifted slightly, stretching his head back to rest on the back of the couch with his arms outstretched. He stared at the ceiling. It was really high, probably ridiculously so. It was probably a good thing that he didn’t have to change any light bulbs, he thought, trying to take his mind off of…Kaidan’s cock.

Damn it. Why did Kaidan have to be so damn gorgeous?

The front door chimed as it opened, and Joshua decided to focus very intently on the TV which was installed over top of a fireplace simulation across from the couch, said TV was off, but who really cared about details anymore?

“I’m home,” Kaidan called tiredly from the door.

Joshua pressed his lips together, made sure he was still facing the TV, and replied with, “welcome home.” If he looked at Kaidan right then he’d probably just jump him in the doorway. So no.

But his lover was attentive, and intelligent, and he caught on to something being up right away. The next thing he knew there were steps leading from the door to behind the couch, and arms wrapping around his neck from behind. He was pretty sure that Kaidan stepped a little heavier when he was walking behind him to make sure he didn’t panic when he touched him. He appreciated it.

“You seem…hmm,” Kaidan hummed appreciatively, apparently having a good view from over his shoulder. Joshua crossed his legs and winced uncomfortably. “What were you thinking about?”

“You,” he replied, because it was true enough to not quite be a lie.

“Well, how unexpected,” Kaidan joked sarcastically, leaning in to press a kiss just behind his earlobe. He shivered. “Then why are you hiding?”

He looked up at Kaidan, seeing his face and loving him so much that he had to reach up with his hands and hold it gently, thumbs brushing along his jaw line. Kaidan looked down at him upside down and a smile tugged at his lips. Joshua loved him more.

“I know that look,” Kaidan told him. “What do you want?”

“What look?”

“That look you get when you desperately want something, but you don’t want to ask me for it.” Kaidan raised an eyebrow at him, challenging him to disagree. He glanced down for a split second before making eye contact with him again and Joshua squirmed slightly because he knew exactly where his gaze had gone.

He was pretty sure that Kaidan was mind reading him again, and that it had nothing to do with his face. He was good at hiding how he felt from everyone else, Kaidan was just psychic. Unlucky for him, however, because he wasn’t going to get out of it now and Kaidan was going to take it personally if he denied him. He’d know for sure that he was lying.

But how was he supposed to ask for this? He’d been agonising about it already for the better part of an hour, and for several weeks before that. He felt like that kid from that really old classical book where he kept asking for more. This time would Kaidan get frustrated with him? It’s not like their sex life was lacking, or boring.

He probably wanted to start with that, but when he opened his mouth he promptly shut it again and the expectant look Kaidan was giving him turned into one of concern. He looked back down at his knees, and the arms that were around his neck were retracted. Kaidan came around the couch and sat beside him heavily, their legs bumped together and Joshua uncrossed his legs so that one of his was overlapping Kaidan’s.

“Are you ready to ask for what you want?” Kaidan asked, looking at him without any disappointment or expectations on his face. Joshua swallowed and reached over, running his fingers down his face, and then shook his head slightly and moved to take his hand back. Kaidan caught it in his, and wrapped his other arm around his shoulders. “Kay,” was all he said before leaning in for a heated kiss.

Joshua whined, he could only call it that even though it was unmanly to do so, but with Kaidan it was probably okay. He let himself be pushed back onto the couch, and readjusted so he was lying on his back with Kaidan over top of him. Kaidan angled himself so that one leg was between his, the other between his leg and the couch. He always did that, making it easier for him to escape if he needed to. Even though having Kaidan over top of him didn’t bother him as much as it used to, he was thankful for it.

One arm found its way around Kaidan’s shoulder and pulled him closer as the other snuck up under his shirt. Kaidan always changed back into civies at the base, so Joshua almost never saw him in his uniform anymore. Kaidan’s hand had found its way up under his shirt as well, the other bracing him beside his head. Joshua gasped as his nipple was flicked, eyes slipping shut as he opened his mouth for Kaidan to plunder easily.

“I-“ he said awkwardly around Kaidan’s tongue. His lover automatically pulled back slightly, breaking the kiss, but still rolling his nipple under his shirt. He looked at him thoughtfully as his knee found its way between his thighs and brushed slightly against his still hard length. Joshua groaned. “C-Can’t think when you do that.”

“What this?” Kaidan asked, nudging him again, mouth tugging at the side triumphantly. “Good, maybe if I disconnect your brain you’ll tell me what you want.”

He whined. Kaidan’s hand, which had been under his shirt, moved down to cup him through his pants, squeezing lightly. “Kaidan that’s no fair,” he protested, rolling his hips up against Kaidan’s hand. Though tactically sound, Joshua didn’t want Kaidan’s methods to end up giving him information he didn’t want.

“Hmm, alright then, different tactic,” Kaidan decided thoughtfully, popping the button on his pants without any trouble and leaning back so he could free his other arm and work his pants off of his hips.

“’M not telling you,” Joshua insisted stubbornly, sticking out his bottom lip and running his hands up Kaidan’s forearms as they worked his jeans and underwear down. He lifted his hips to help anyways, at least if he was going to get sex out of the torture he’d do it.

“No?” Kaidan asked, raising his brows at him as he kicked his pants off of his feet and the couch.

“No.” He sat up slightly, tugging his shirt up and over his head and Kaidan followed suit. But, when he reached for Kaidan’s pants, Kaidan put a hand on his chest and pushed him down again. Now he was completely nude, on their couch, and Kaidan was just missing his shirt. He felt a bit self-conscious, but Kaidan seemed just fine looming over him.

“In that case…” Kaidan leaned down and kissed him gently on the lips, before pulling away. His hand had already found its way around his cock and was stroking him in long, slow motions. Joshua huffed at him.

“Why aren’t you naked?”

“Later,” he told him, kissing his collarbone, his sternum, the awful red burn scar on his stomach. His stomach jumped, the muscles contracting as Kaidan kissed there a few more times in a few different places. By his belly button, by the more puckered and red spot just under and to the left of his belly button, then right in the centre right between his hip bones where the scar ended.

He would feel really stupid if what he thought was about to happen happened.

Kaidan’s hand slowed to shallow strokes and he looked up at him, as if for permission. That was it, with his eyes slightly questioning, his hand slowing its movements enough that his head was able to clear for a moment so he could think. Yes or no.

He threaded his hands in Kaidan’s hair. “God, I love you so much.”

Kaidan smiled at him.

If he’d had enough time to feel stupid, he definitely would have, but Kaidan’s lips wrapped around the head of his cock and he didn’t even have enough time to wonder how he seemed to know what he was doing before his mind short circuited.

Kaidan bobbed his head slowly, his hand doing most of the work at first, long and slow strokes and hand and tongue over his thoroughly over stimulated cock. Joshua dug his heels into the couch, one hand in Kaidan’s hair, the other finding the couch cushion and gripping onto it. He could _feel_ Kaidan smile around him.

He was trying really hard not to buck up into the warmth that was Kaidan’s mouth as Kaidan finally engulfed the entirety of him. His now free hand moved to roll his balls around in the palm of his hand and Joshua _cursed_.

“Oh…fuck…yes, _fuck,_ ” he gasped, biting his lips instead of bucking his hips. It had been _years_ since he'd experienced anything like this. Kaidan chuckled, and Joshua could _feel_ it. And then he started moving again, long and slow, while his free hand explored. His other hand was splayed over his belly, keeping him there when his hips twitched of their own accord.

When Kaidan’s finger started pressing questioningly at his entrance he opened his eyes and looked down at the man who was currently quite focussed on his task. Joshua bit his lip and let his head fall back against the couch again as he moaned, trying to remember why he’d looked up. Kaidan’s finger ran over his entrance again. Ah, right.

“Lube?” he asked, chest heaving slightly with the effort of getting both air and words out. Kaidan pulled off of his cock, licking up the head and running his tongue into the slit. Joshua groaned. “Or not, fuck, not’s okay too I dunno,” he rambled.

Kaidan sat back a bit, and chuckled. “I can do that,” he said softly, withdrawing his hand from its exploration and shifting so he could stand. “Just don’t move,” he said as he wandered off.

“I _can’t_ move,” Joshua replied breathlessly, Kaidan laughed in reply. Joshua looked up at the ceiling, breathing heavily and feeling like his mind had just been completely blown, among other things. He shifted, slinging one leg off the side of the couch and the other over the low back of the couch. He didn’t even care that the position was undignified.

The air felt cold on his cock. He groaned in frustration, reaching down to take himself in hand and stroke slowly.

“Oh, hush, I’m coming back,” Kaidan scolded gently as he reappeared at the steps to the living room with their bottle of lube in hand. He smirked at Joshua’s position, but didn’t say anything as he set the bottle on the coffee table. He’d kicked off his pants and underwear somewhere on his way to or from their room. Joshua’s gaze raked down his form as he knelt between his legs. Their gaze met and Kaidan’s brows raised just a hint. “You’re not the only one enjoying this view.”

“Fuck me,” Joshua gasped.

“Later,” Kaidan told him, reaching for the lube and coating his fingers with it. He was always careful to warm it between his fingers, not that Joshua minded one way or another. He just wanted Kaidan’s fingers inside him.

Without words Kaidan complied with Joshua’s mental request, the finger which had previously been questing at his entrance returned and made sure to swirl a fair bit of lube on the outside before gently pressing in. At the same time he leaned forward and braced himself on Joshua’s thigh so he could lick his cock from base to tip. Joshua used his still clean hand to run through Kaidan’s hair, arching his back to angle Kaidan’s finger further inside him as Kaidan took him into his mouth again. His other hand hung limply off the side of the couch.

He was completely at the mercy of Kaidan and his wonderful mouth and his magical fingers, and he was just fine with that. After a bit of practise over the years Kaidan could almost unerringly find his prostate, and this was one of those times. He moaned and arched off of the couch, bucking accidentally into Kaidan’s mouth when he found it.

“Shit! Sorry, sorry, sorry,” he gasped, toes curling with the effort of keeping his hips down as Kaidan continued his torturous push into his sweet spot.

“You’re fine,” Kaidan told him gently, pulling off only to say so before angling his free arm over his hips again and taking his head back into his mouth.

“God, I…I want you so much, I need you, _ah!_ ”

Kaidan’s second finger had joined the first, pressing just as relentlessly alongside it. Joshua was pretty sure he was beginning to identify planets in the stars he was seeing, his skin positively thrumming with electric pleasure. Out of habit more than anything else his free hand stole back to his cock and began meeting Kaidan’s mouth on every stoke.

“Make me cum?” he gasped, his tone begging.

Kaidan looked up at him with a glint in his eye and complied without a word, working his fingers in and out instead of just pressing and making sure he hit Joshua’s prostate with every thrust, while his tongue found that vein which was extra sensitive on the underside of his cock and ran up it with his mouth open, all the while keeping his eye contact.

Joshua cried out sharply, his hand working in short jerks as he threw his head back and arched off of the couch. Kaidan had apparently foreseen this reaction, maintaining enough distance to make sure he didn’t choke, his mouth open with his tongue flat under the head.

“Kaidan…love…ugh…fuck!” he choked, riding out his orgasm as Kaidan continued to stroke his insides.

When Kaidan climbed back up to meet him several moments later, Joshua was still breathing heavily.

“So?” Kaidan asked, brow raised questioningly as if he hadn’t just _got_ the answer right in his mouth. Joshua hadn’t seen what he’d done, whether he’d swallowed or not, but he didn’t care. He just looked up at him dreamily and grinned.

“So, I want to get down on my knees and I want you to fuck my mouth, Kaidan Alenko.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, that.”

“No I mean…” Kaidan paused, pressing his still insistent hardness against his thigh. “That sounds…”

“I’ve wanted to ask you that since the SR-1,” Joshua told him.

Kaidan pursed his lips at him, slapping his leg hard enough to get a smacking noise, but light enough that it didn’t hurt. “If you’d asked like that, I may have actually done it!” Joshua hummed appreciatively. “For now though, if you don’t mind, I’ll just fuck you. We’ll get to _that_ later.”

He probably wouldn’t even be able to do it right now anyways, his body felt like jelly. “Yeah. Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like the next prompt, any suggestions? XD
> 
> Also still looking for sub/dom replacement prompt.


	6. Retiring the Uniform

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clothed getting off? Nope, changed it to 'getting clothes off' or something. XD I hated this prompt so my sister gave me a new one:
> 
> "Dress uniform. Joshua about to get award. Kaiden proud before seeing joshuas “hundreds of people died for me to get a shiny” face Sexy time of Kaiden stripping shep out of his uniform and making it better."
> 
> I suck, so I deviated a bit, but whatever!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to do so much research for ranks. =_= Kaidan is army, Shepard is navy, and (get this) Joker is ROYAL air force. Why?
> 
> Sub/dom replacement kink is going to be 'just tie me up'. 
> 
> Also I have another prompt to do somewhere so...Yay?
> 
> Didn't have time to read this over, I'm sorry.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the crowd that day, the day that Joshua Shepard formally received both his medal of honour and his promotion directly to Admiral for his part in the Reaper War, before he was honourably discharged and retired due to his injuries. His gigantic part. Kaidan thought they should be giving him a whole damn planet, not a little metal star with some pretty ribbons attached to it.

The only person besides Hackett who had been able to keep a straight face was Joshua, but Kaidan had seen it. He was in absolute torment and he didn’t want to accept any of their honours. He could see the deaths of each person that Joshua thought he’d failed on his face, all the loss he’d experienced, every mistake he’d thought he had made.

It didn’t matter that the entire galaxy thought he was the greatest hero in history, even the council had shown up to the event. What mattered was that in Joshua’s head he was just another guy, Commander Shepard was just a myth, and that he’d been responsible for so many people’s deaths that he wondered why he wasn’t being sent to back to jail.

He saw the way that Joshua’s gaze skipped over to him, just once, then remained focused on some point in the distance that was neither another person’s face, nor the wall on the far side of the auditorium. He seemed to be staring into the abyss.

When they’d all finished their awards and their promotions and were ushered off stage to be invited to the large reception hall along with the audience for refreshments, Kaidan caught Joshua hanging around hiding in the back corner by the door. Miranda had probably been right, he wasn’t ready for this. He seemed to be planning his escape, his gaze darting from person to person as if assessing their threat level, even though they were technically his coworkers.

Joker, being one of them, came up just behind Joshua and put his hand on his shoulder. When Kaidan saw the way that Joshua jumped and Joker looked at him with confusion, before Joshua chuckled softly and Joker started laughing, he almost went over and pulled him to the side, but it wouldn’t be befitting for either of them. Joshua an ordained war hero, and himself a newly promoted Colonel.

So he watched him while people moved around them, while they were ushered out to the reception hall. While people gathered around and wanted to shake hands and make toasts, while snacking on and drinking small things, Kaidan tried to pinpoint Joshua’s location in the crowd, but at some point he’d disappeared.

“Have you seen C…Admiral Shepard?” Kaidan asked Joker at one point, while he was talking to some other pilots. Joker looked over at him with a slightly taken aback look.

“ _Joshua_ ,” he corrected him. “Because he’s our friend we get to call him that,” Joker told his buddies. “I have no idea.”

Kaidan sighed and rolled his eyes, Mr. Moreau had been promoted to Air Marshal and besides that had been name dropping Joshua all night. He wandered off from Joker and his groupies, because he had those now, just as they moved on to the topic of, “So I hear you have an AI in a chick’s body!”

One more round of the room told him that Joshua was not, in fact, inside. Tali and Liara were chatting in a corner, Steve and James were wandering the room 'together but totally not together'. But there was no Joshua. The reception hadn’t been a mandatory part of the event, there had been people who had just left. The council, for instance, had only attended the ceremony as a show of good faith for both Joshua and him as their human Spectres. But he’d expected Joshua to at least give it a try. Maybe he’d over estimated him, maybe that haunted look on his face from earlier and the way he’d been hiding in the back of the room should have told him exactly where Joshua was.

He noticed, at that moment, that a certain visiting turian was also not within the hall. He should have noticed that one right away. With that information he  _did_  know exactly where Joshua was.

After making his and Joshua’s exit known to Fleet Admiral Hackett, he left the crowded hallway and headed straight for their car. Sure enough, there was Joshua sitting with his legs hanging out the side of it with the door open, head down, bowed forward, Garrus leaning against it beside him, arms crossed and observing his friend with mild interest which told Kaidan that he was in fact quite concerned.

“What did he send you? I was halfway to the hall when he sent me ‘help’,” Garrus told him, looking up as he approached. Joshua looked up at him too, from the look on his face he knew automatically that Joshua hadn’t sent him a communication that he’d possibly missed.

“Nothing,” Joshua answered for him, getting a ‘really?’ look from Garrus for his trouble. “I didn’t want him to come running out here, okay?” he asked, sending a sour look at his best friend.

“Oh, sure, you two go to a nice fancy lunch before coming here, but your starving turian doesn’t even get to try human’s attempt at dextro-food,” Garrus griped, but Joshua had dropped his head forward again and as he spoke he looked straight at Kaidan. The look seemed to say ‘he needs out of here now’, and Kaidan had to agree.

He moved closer to Joshua, stopping just beside him so that he could run his fingers over his gelled back hair. He saw Joshua’s shoulders relax, felt his head bump lightly against his fingers.

“Well,” Garrus started. “I’m going to go find Tali. She’s probably lost somewhere. You two go home. Get some rest.”

Joshua looked up at him, but from Kaidan’s position he couldn’t see his face. He started moving to get up. “No, no we’ll come back too, sorry I—“

Garrus held up his hand and Kaidan wrapped an arm around his neck and tugged him against his chest.

“We’re going home, love,” he told Joshua softly. He could practically feel the panic that he was feeling through his fingers on his cheek.

“Don’t worry about us, we still have plans for tomorrow. You two, me, Tali, and our friend the Shadowbroker,” Garrus reminded him.

There was a moment where Kaidan thought Joshua may argue and insist on going back, against all better judgement, but then Joshua leaned against him and sighed heavily. If he hadn’t already been aware that Joshua was done, that would have done it.

“Liara doesn’t like when you call her that in public,” was Joshua’s only complaint.

Garrus snorted. “But let’s see her stop me, even with all her connections. You two have a good night, see you tomorrow,” and with that, Garrus waved at them both and headed back into the building.

“C’mon,” Kaidan said after a moment of silence in which Joshua just leaned against him. “Let’s go home and get that uniform off of you.”

Joshua looked up at him. “Are you going to take if off of me?”

Ah, so it was going to be one of those nights. He was just fine with that, if Joshua needed it

“Yeah,” he replied, placing two fingers under Joshua’s chin and angling it upwards so he could kiss him gently, yet with promise, on the lips. “Just try and stop me.”

-o-

The ride home was mostly silent, Joshua seemingly deep in thought beside him in the car. It was when they got through the door of their apartment that he spoke again, standing just behind him.

“I can’t believe I won’t have to wear this uniform anymore…” he muttered, bending down to remove his shoes, but Kaidan stopped him. He reached out and took his wrist and started pulling him towards the stairs to their room.

“Have to?” he asked, genuinely curious about Joshua’s wording, but his question seemed to cause Joshua anxiety and his feet stopped moving.

“I… It was an honour to wear this uniform, really it was, but sometimes it—“

Kaidan kissed him, pulling him flush against him and feeling him go practically limp against his chest, just his hands curling into the fabric of his shirt. He kissed Joshua until he whined for him to stop, at which point he pulled away.

“It was a burden?” Kaidan asked, finishing Joshua’s sentence for him. Joshua’s cheeks coloured, and it was beautiful, and he continued his light tugging in the direction of the stairs. This time Joshua followed.

He didn’t think that he had anything to be ashamed of, it was clear that he’d given everything in him for that uniform, of course it would end up being a burden. As usual Joshua had set his bar way too high.

“Kaidan,” Joshua started as they got halfway up the stairs. He turned back and looked down at him. His lover looked more than apologetic, he looked ashamed.

Kaidan took the single step down to be almost on the same level of him and kissed him again, gently biting his bottom lip between his teeth and tugging as he pulled away. “Don’t worry, I’ll take it  _all_  off of you,” he muttered.

All of the air in Joshua’s lungs hissed out of his nose at that moment, just managing to mutter, “o-okay,” before Kaidan pulled him the rest of the way up the stairs.

When Kaidan finally got him into their bedroom he angled him back onto the bed, having him sit. He was already half hard from the teasing, making him sit with his legs open slightly. Kaidan knelt between his legs at the foot of the bed, hand going to rub at his inner thigh.

This was the part that Kaidan enjoyed most, watching Joshua, intelligent, well spoken, generally confident, with all of his thoughts in a row, Shepard, completely short circuit. It was like, even now, he couldn’t believe that Kaidan was there.

He was okay with that, watching Joshua eyes only just focusing on him and feeling his fingers run through his hair. Watching, as he bent down to remove his right shoe, how his breath hitched and his legs jumped slightly as if he was fighting the will to move and take off the other.

Kaidan took off the other shoe as well, setting them both next to the bed and climbing back up again. Next came the awkward sash, the belt cinched around the coat. Joshua watched him, with a mixture of trepidation and arousal. Kaidan smiled at him as he worked the little bits and pieces off of his uniform too, before they were both left in their coats and pants.  

He planted a knee between Joshua’s legs and the other beside his leg, and pushed him down gently on the bed. The ease with which Joshua went showed how much he’d come to trust him, he remembered him tensing before accepting his direction before.

He followed after him, leaning in and kissing his lover sound on the lips. He started working Joshua’s coat open, unclasping and unbuttoning it and running his hand over the white cotton undershirt underneath it while he kissed Joshua senseless. He felt their lips move together, how Joshua parted his lips for him, how one of Joshua’s hands went to the back of his head to pull him forward.

Joshua shivered when he finally worked his undershirt out from his pants and placed his hand on his belly. He broke the kiss only to look at him, to watch how his eyes searched his face, how he glanced down between them to where his hand was. He ran his hand up Joshua’s chest, and he arched slightly into the touch.

Joshua liked this, gentle touches anywhere made him shiver with need, so Kaidan ran the pads of his fingers over Joshua’s chest, rolled a nipple, down the side of his pectoral muscle and then back down his side. Joshua’s eyes slipped shut, he felt his legs dig into the end of the bed.

“You did good tonight, you know,” Kaidan told him gently, watching how Joshua opened his mouth to protest, but how he was interrupted by the fingers dancing over his chest. He liked how Joshua’s mouth opened, just slightly, as he trailed his fingers down his belly, over the sensitive skin of his scar, and then lightly groped him through his pants. The little, ‘ah,’ sound he made was delicious.

He urged Joshua to take off his coat, watching as the article was unceremoniously shrugged off and then tossed off the bed. The newly pinned medals made a sad clinking noise as they hit the floor. He undid his own coat, shucking it and the undershirt underneath onto the floor as well. When Joshua moved to pull off his own undershirt, Kaidan reached forward and grabbed him by the dog tags around his neck. They clinked slightly against each other, and he rolled them over the chain with his fingers.

“Are you okay?” he asked Joshua softly, as he moved to straddle his hips. Joshua nodded, just a bit too eagerly, and Kaidan smiled at him, then rolled their hips together. Joshua’s head dropped back and he moaned, Kaidan replied with a soft huff.

“I’m fantastic, will you fuck me now please?” Joshua asked. Swearing wasn’t usually a thing that Joshua did, he did it when he was angry, and he did it when Kaidan’s teasing had disabled his filter.

He leaned forward, rolling their hips together again and resting one hand on Joshua’s chest over top of an erect nipple. “How do you want it?” he whispered, into his ear. Joshua’s reply was another moan, just the reaction he’d wanted. He kissed his lover’s neck, sucking lightly at the juncture of his neck and shoulder. Joshua replied by whining, something he usually tried to hide, but was apparently unable to at that moment.

Both of Joshua’s hands settled on his hips and he tugged him down against him. Kaidan smirked into Joshua’s shoulder, complying with a sharp downward thrust that earned him a gasp.

“I…uh…” Now he was going to try and answer the question, which was going to be fun because Kaidan wasn’t going to let him. He used one hand to brace himself over Joshua and the other to quickly undo his belt, then unbuttoning and unzipping his pants before stealing inside and feeling Joshua’s hot skin beneath it. He stroked, and Joshua’s head fell to the side as he bucked his hips up into his hand. “Mmm…I w…” He gasped instead of answering, and fixed Kaidan with a decidedly frustrated look.

Kaidan chuckled at him, which made him shiver. “I’ll give you whatever you want, as long as you can say it,” he told him and earned a huff of frustration from his lover.

He sat up again, over Joshua’s legs, but not  _on_  Joshua’s legs so that he could get away if he needed to. He started working Joshua’s pants and underwear off of his hips, watching as the head of his cock came into view and using one hand to toy with him. He ran his hand up and down Joshua’s length, smirking at him when he tried to answer him again and ended up biting his lip to hold back a moan instead.

“You,” he finally gasped, as Kaidan’s fingers found their way to his balls. “Naked, now.”

He chuckled again. “I can do that,” he told him, shuffling off the end of the bed and getting to his feet so that he could pull off the rest of his own uniform. Joshua followed suit, tossing his undershirt off the bed in the same general direction as his shirt, and shimmying out of his pants and underwear before tossing them and his socks off the end of the bed as well.

Kaidan took a moment to look at the discarded pieces, and realise that it really was the last time Joshua would wear them officially. This uniform, or any Alliance uniform. But, he’d known for a long time, Joshua needed his freedom, possibly for the first time ever. No rules and regulations to follow.

He looked back at the bed, back to his lover who had shuffled up the bed and was lying there looking at him expectantly, his legs slightly parted, and his hands up by his head. He’d paused too long and now Joshua looked a bit uncertain, so he climbed up the bed to him, running his fingers up from his ankle all the way up to his shoulder.

“I love you,” he told Joshua breathlessly when he got there, kissing his jaw gently. “You’re  _everything_  to me. Uniform or no, that’s never going to change.”

He felt Joshua’s jaw twitch, could practically feel the words caught in his throat.

“I love you too,” he replied finally. “I’m sorry I ruined this evening.”

Kaidan leaned back slightly just to shake his head at Joshua before he started running his fingers through some of the hair which had escaped its gel hold. “You didn’t do anything wrong, we knew that tonight was going to be…heavy.”

Joshua’s arms went around him, tugged him against his chest. Kaidan let his head rest beside Joshua's, letting himself be held by the man who had saved  _everything_ , but would never believe it.

They just lay like that for a while, until Kaidan wasn’t sure that Joshua was going to be interested in anything else. If that was the case he’d have been fine with it, but Joshua turned to kiss his ear gently and whispered, “Make love to me,” and Kaidan could never refuse him that.

So he pulled away, gently, and reached for their more convenient bottle of lube, so he could coat his fingers, and their collection of condoms. He sat back on his knees between Joshua’s legs and watched as he spread them.

“You’re beautiful,” he told him, as he pressed a finger gently against Joshua’s entrance. He turned that adorable shade of pink that he liked, his chest heaving slightly as he pressed his finger inside, his other hand ran up and down his thigh gently.

He watched Joshua’s face as he prepared him, watched how his stomach clenched and unclenched as he worked the second finger in, listened to how he gasped and moaned when he found just the right spot. It was easy to tell when he was ready, his toes curled and his thighs shook slightly, his moans soft repetitive ‘ah’ noises with each exhale.

He unwrapped the condom and rolled it on, Joshua watched  _him_  this time. He took hold of Joshua’s hips and angled himself to his entrance.

“Please,” Joshua breathed, and that was all that Kaidan needed, that little breathless request. He pressed inside, using his hand to guide himself in.

They’d done this enough that he knew when Joshua needed him to pause, when he needed to pause himself. He let his head fall back slightly and looked down at his lover spread out on the sheets, thinking he must have done  _something_ right to have earned his love. He saw the way Joshua looked at him, through half lidded eyes, with so much love and affection that he thought his chest may burst. One arm resting up by his head on the pillow, the other over his stomach, which rose and fell with his every breath.

“Okay?” he asked, giving a shallow thrust. He was tight, he was  _always_  tight, but he was probably a bit tighter because of how stressed he was. Kaidan ran his hand up and down his thigh again, he relaxed a smidge and replied with a slow nod and a slightest of thrusts down to meet him.

“Please,” he asked again. Joshua beyond words was the best thing he’d ever seen.

He took hold of the hand which had been on Joshua’s stomach and squeezed it, the other going to his hip and gripping gently. He leaned forward, feeling Joshua tense around him and gasp at the change in angle.

“I love you,” he whispered softly, looking at him with as much affection as he could muster, and began thrusting in shallow, slow movements.

Joshua’s only reply was, “Mmm, yeah,” as his head fell to the side and that was just fine with him. This position was his favourite, he could angle his thrusts how he needed to bring his lover to the brink of climax and back again. Joshua’s favourite was riding him, but he felt more intimate this way and felt that Joshua probably felt the same way.

He leaned over his lover as he thrust into him, his movements becoming deeper, more deliberate. He still held his hand, now up by his head, and watched as Joshua writhed when he hit the right spot, saw how he moaned and arched up to meet him when he gave a particularly deliberate thrust.

It was slow, but that seemed to be exactly what Joshua needed, he seemed to be relaxing more than he had all evening, his shoulders weren’t tense anymore, and Kaidan could feel the laxness of the muscles in his thighs.

When Joshua started bucking down to meet his thrusts he sped up slightly, revelling in how Joshua moaned and threw back his head against the pillow. He felt like he knew every string to pull to make his lover scream in pleasure, and decided it was about time he did that. He released Joshua’s hand so that he could wrap his own hand around Joshua’s cock and stroke, using his thumb to put a bit more pressure on that nifty little vein on the underside which drove him mad and watching as his moan turned into a desperate whine.

“K-Kaidan,” Joshua gasped, bucking up into his hand. “More.”

He chuckled huskily, there wasn’t really anything ‘more’ that he could give him, but that alone caused a shiver to run through his lover and he smirked down at him as he thrust harder.

“Good…ah…god!” was Joshua’s response.

Kaidan leaned forward again, still using his hand to stroke Joshua’s cock and rubbing his thumb into the vein. “Are you going to cum for me, love?” he asked into his ear, and Joshua replied with something akin to a whimper.

“Yes…yes…” Joshua said, wrapping both of his arms around his chest and his legs around his hips desperately. “Make me,” he gasped.

He complied without a word, making sure his next few thrusts hit Joshua’s prostate at the same time as stroked him in several quick jerks, his thumb still putting pressure on that spot.

Joshua’s moan was almost a choking sound, followed by, “God, Kaidan, yes, ah!” before he felt his essence coat his hand. Kaidan could feel Joshua’s passage clamp down on him and groaned lowly, still jerking Joshua tightly in his hand as he thrust in a few more times and met his own climax.

“I love you,” he whispered somewhere near Joshua’s ear as the stars cleared.

Joshua was still gasping softly. “I love you too,” he whispered back, nuzzling into the side of his head.

He withdrew slowly, making sure to let Joshua know he’d be right back, and going to discard the condom before returning to their room and finding Joshua had turned onto his side on the wrong side of the bed. Not that there was a right or wrong side per se, just that it was an obvious invitation for cuddling, and Kaidan couldn’t help but notice.

He snuggled up behind his lover, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him back against him. He rested his chin on his shoulder, and Joshua snuggled back against him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t send you a communication earlier,” Joshua muttered softly after a few minutes. "I didn’t want to spoil the evening and I—“

“Didn’t spoil  _anything_. You needed out. Next time, just tell me. You’re more important than any Alliance event like that.” In fact, he was pretty sure he’d just had a better evening than  _any_  of the attendees could say they’d had. Fucking Joshua Shepard into oblivion was definitely on his list of ‘things which are better than making nice with hundreds of military veterans and eating subpar catering’.

“…Really?” Joshua asked him, voice tiny and vulnerable.

“I promise you,” Kaidan told him, kissing his shoulder gently.

There was a pause, a long, but short one because Kaidan hadn’t expected Joshua to say anything else. Joshua muttered, “I don’t want that medal,” and Kaidan’s heart hurt.

“You deserve a hell of a lot more than a medal, Joshua. You deserve everyone’s thanks for saving them, and their apology for ignoring you. That medal is everything they can’t say,” he said. When Joshua didn’t say anything, and his shoulders tensed a bit again, he added, “ _I_ want you to have that medal.”

“Oh,” Joshua said. Kaidan had noticed his inability to say no to him, and while sincerely trying to only use it for good there were times like these where he needed to use it. “Okay,” he concluded, snuggling back into him again.

Kaidan smiled into his shoulder, before kissing it gently again.

Before he knew it Joshua had fallen asleep, his breath regulating. Kaidan held him for a while longer, watching over him, before he joined him in sleep.


	7. Half Dressed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Together they make up one fully dressed person.
> 
> Kind of. Sorry.

It had been clear that Joshua needed him from the moment he’d stepped in the door. He was exhausted already from the Spectre mission and the flight home, but he couldn’t say anything to the way he was pushed up against the frosted glass divider between the entry way and the living room. Mostly because Joshua had stuck his tongue into his mouth the moment he got there.

“Hi,” he said breathlessly, when Joshua finally broke away and tugged him against him so tight that he was surprised he _could_ breathe. Joshua lips were already on his neck, nipping, kissing, and sucking. He gasped softly, gripping Joshua’s ass and tugging him forward.

“Need you,” Joshua told him frustratedly into his neck. He could feel the slight growl and the desperation behind it.

“Okay,” he agreed. He always felt badly leaving Joshua alone, especially on longer missions like the month long one he’d just been on, but he didn’t really have a choice. And, unlike himself, Joshua never seemed interested in relieving any of his stress and tension _the natural way_ until he got home.

Right now he sort of wanted to sleep, but Joshua would let him sleep afterwards and they’d probably spend the next several hours cuddling and dozing and that sounded fine to him.

Joshua started palming him through his pants and he groaned softly, kissing his lover’s ear as he massaged the globes of Joshua’s ass in his hands.

He wasn’t sure how it was going to go, until Joshua said, “can I have you?” huskily into his ear, he shivered in anticipation.

“Absolutely,” he replied, as Joshua’s other hand slipped into the back of his pants. “But can you have me in the bedroom?”

Joshua pulled away from him, frowning that little puppy-dog frown he had and nodding as his bottom lip stuck out slightly. He hadn’t been scolding him, but Joshua tended to take anything as scolding.

Kaidan tugged him by the back of the neck into a kiss, which went from gentle to heated in an instant once Joshua got involved. He breathed against Joshua’s lips when he finally stopped devouring his mouth, their noses touching.

“Go ahead and have me however you want love,” he told him. He was pretty sure that Joshua didn’t know how much he liked bottoming, but such was Joshua’s psyche, he probably couldn’t handle the idea that he was able to cause someone else any pleasure. But Joshua was _good_ at topping, attentive, gentle, considerate.

Joshua pressed their foreheads together. “I missed you.”

“I know,” he whispered, pressing a soft chaste kiss against Joshua’s lips before pulling away and starting their short journey to the bedroom. Joshua followed close behind him, almost like an animal stalking its prey.

As they got to the bottom of the stairs Joshua pushed him against the banister and kissed him again, breath hitching slightly as he did so. Kaidan wrapped his arms around Joshua’s waist and allowed his mouth to be explored. His mind only just touching on the fact that something must have happened for Joshua to be this desperate. It was hard to connect two thoughts together when Joshua was running his tongue over his.

“Bedroom,” he repeated in a soft gasp when Joshua finally broke the kiss and started rubbing their clothed erections together.

“Mm,” Joshua whined softly, but got the hint and started heading up the stairs ahead of him. He followed, reaching forward for Joshua’s hand and squeezing it as they got to the landing and turned to the second set of shorter stairs.

Cuddling Joshua against his chest and making sure that he knew everything was okay was going to have to come _after_ being thoroughly ravished, but at this point he couldn’t complain.

As soon as they were in their room, before the door even shut, Joshua was on him again, kissing him and guiding him until he felt his knees hit the side of the bed and let himself be pushed back. He’d closed his eyes at some point and when Joshua didn’t immediately land on top of him he cracked them open just in time to see Joshua shucking off his shirt.

Apparently this was going to go a _bit_ quicker than he’d thought. He began following suit, taking off his pants and underwear, but Joshua interrupted him halfway through removing his shirt, leaning in and demanding a hot kiss from him. Joshua had managed to _mostly_ undo his pants, they were open and he obviously hadn’t been wearing underwear. Kaidan still had his shirt on.

“C’mere,” Kaidan said softly, with the slightest of chuckles, moving back up onto the bed properly and beckoning with one finger as he did so. Joshua followed him, kneeling on the side of the bed and following him up on his hands and knees until he was perched over him, a hand on either side of his torso and a leg on either side of his legs.

Kaidan could see Joshua’s eagerness hanging heavy between his legs, and reached out to gently pull his cock out of his pants. He stroked it gently, long, slow, strokes which made Joshua’s head drop forward and his hips thrust gently into his hand. His jeans hung low on his hips, only staying on because the legs were tight.

“Kaidan,” Joshua breathed after a moment, the hands by his chest curling into fists in the blankets.

“I’m right here, love. What do you need?” he asked, hearing Joshua gasp and then moan in reply before he leaned forward and nuzzled his chin into the crook of his neck.

“C…Can I cum inside you, please?” The request, seemingly innocent enough, was something that he hadn’t let Joshua do since their first time with him bottoming. Since that time, after the mess, he’d made condoms an absolute requirement in their bedroom routine at all times, even though Joshua didn’t like them at all. But he sounded so desperate, and even as Kaidan’s hand stilled on his cock Joshua’s hips continued to make small trusts into it.

He didn’t understand the significance, but if Joshua needed it so badly, then so be it. He’d deal with the consequences later. “Okay.”

Joshua pulled back to looked at him, eyes searching his face, probably trying to make sure he was actually okay with it. He was always so desperate not to hurt him, or cause him any discomfort whatsoever.

“Now,” Kaidan added, after far too long of Joshua staring at him. “Unless you’re going to sit there staring all day, I expect you to be inside me in the next few minutes.” _That_ got Joshua’s attention. He practically jumped off of him to go to the side table that held their lube. Kaidan watched him as he bent to look into the drawer, admiring his ass and his still beautifully toned thighs. He didn’t do as much physical activity these days, but he did run quite a bit, and he was starting to work out again too. His whole body was a statement to beauty, and power.

When Joshua came back he fixed him with another one of those questing looks and poured some of the lube liberally on his fingers. One hand wrapped around Kaidan’s previously untouched cock and began quick, long strokes. Kaidan moaned softly, the lube which was also on this hand making the sensation slick and velvety.

With the other hand he pressed two fingers between the crack in his ass and began coating his entrance, running up and down and pressing only gently against the ring. Kaidan’s eyes slipped shut and he bucked gently against Joshua’s fingers. Experience, probably, had made Joshua good at these things. He ran his fingers up and massaged gently against his perineum before tentatively slipping the tip of one finger past his defenses, then he did it again a few more times, before properly working his finger in.

Kaidan was in heaven. He arched into Joshua’s touch, still gasping and moaning from the attention he was getting to his cock, and stuck between the slick, velvety sensation of that and Joshua slowly working his finger in and out, prodding gently with the tip in search of his prostate. When he found it, Kaidan bucked his hips off of the bed and gasped loudly, pleasure coiling deep in his stomach.

“There!” Kaidan gasped, and Joshua chuckled gently at him.

“I noticed.”

“More,” Kaidan said, wiggling his hips slightly and gripping the sheets. “Now.”

His lover was always eager to please him, working in the second finger and gently scissoring his passage while still thrusting his fingers in and out. He made sure to hit that spot a few more times, his hand still working over his cock in long, yet slower, movements.

“I love you,” Joshua told him gently, leaning in to kiss his chest through his shirt and running his tongue over his exposed belly gently. The fiery passion from earlier had burnt down into a glow, probably in his effort not to do anything that might hurt him.

“I love you too, now _fuck me_ ,” Kaidan gasped, looking down at his young lover and watching how his restraint snapped. Joshua withdrew his fingers and his hand, coating the lube which was on both of his hands on his cock and looking up at him with a mixture of lust and that constant concern he had. Kaidan spread his legs, reaching with his foot to tug at Joshua by the hip. “Now.”

Thank god for Joshua being unable to deny him anything he really wanted, in an instant Joshua was positioned at his entrance and pressing in gently, centimetre by centimetre.

The stretch and burn was painful, as usual, there was nothing quite like being stretched just that little bit too much, but the feeling of Joshua’s cock sliding against his insides was _delicious_. He gasped softly, tugging at Joshua with his foot until he couldn’t take the pain anymore and just like that Joshua paused.

“Kaidan,” Joshua muttered softly, kissing the inside of his knee and using his free hand, the one that wasn’t holding said knee, to resume his torturous stroking.

“Do me a favour,” Kaidan breathed softly, his chest heaving slightly. Joshua tilted his head at him, and Kaidan loved it, so cute, yet so in control like always. He slung the leg that wasn’t around Joshua’s hips over his shoulder. “Make me forget I ever went on that damn mission.”

Joshua seemed only too happy to comply, his one arm wrapping around his leg and tugging him closer so he could press in until he was fully seated. That was the difference between them, Joshua liked the fucking to start halfway in, but Kaidan preferred to have Joshua inside him all the way before he started moving. Somehow, without actually communicating it to each other, they’d both figured it out.

“I love you,” Joshua told him again, before he started moving his hips. Kaidan gasped, gripping the sheets in one hand and taking hold of Joshua’s hand on his cock so that he could stroke himself with him.

“Yes,” was the only reply he managed to get out, but Joshua didn’t seem to mind it. He took up a hard and quick pace just as he’d requested. It was good, it was so good, feeling Joshua moving in and out of him, their bodies perfectly connected, feeling Joshua’s hand moving under his as he felt the pad of the palm of his hand and the callouses on his fingers swiping over his cock.

He moaned, listened to Joshua’s soft, quick, breaths slowly turning into soft gasps, and bucked his hips to meet every thrust. Joshua was good, he knew just when to hit the right spot, just when to pair it with the slightest twist of his hips.

Kaidan was more than happy to go along for the ride, moving his hips in time with Joshua’s thrusts and strokes and throwing his head back and moaning when Joshua hit just the right spot. His mind supplied him dully with the information that Joshua was still wearing his jeans, the fabric was rubbing against his ass with every thrust. The sound of skin slapping against skin was slightly dulled by it.

“Joshua, uh…fuck,” Kaidan gasped, reaching with his free hand to tug Joshua down into a kiss. With his leg over Joshua’s shoulder, Joshua practically folded him in half when he bent down to kiss him. With everything compressed Kaidan could feel Joshua’s every thrust that much more, and apparently Joshua could feel it too.

“Kaidan,” he moaned, licking his lips and then pressing them against his for a short moment before he gasped. “C-Can I…?”

Kaidan panted, using both of his hands to hold Joshua in the position he was in, and kissing him sloppily again. “Go ahead, I love you,” he told him heatedly, their lips still touching as he spoke.

Joshua’s thrusts stuttered slightly, just for a second, and he shifted his angle just a bit before resuming his quick, sharp movements. Kaidan moaned, Joshua replied with a gasp of his own.

It wasn’t often that they came at the same time, but with Joshua’s hand on his cock, and the way he was thrusting _just right_ with Kaidan almost completely folded in half was too much for both of them. Kaidan’s leg around Joshua’s hips tightened just as they both hit their climax, Joshua muttering his name on repeat and Kaidan crying out sharply as he felt both his own cum spurt into his stomach, and Joshua’s filling him.

Kaidan gasped, taking hold of Joshua’s face and holding him in place with the leg around his hips. “I love you,” he repeated softly, kissing his now exhausted lover gently on the lips.

The air rushed out of Joshua’s lungs and he gasped it back sharply. “I love you too, I…I missed you.”

It was more than that, it was obviously more than that, but Kaidan wasn’t going to push him.

Joshua pulled his softening cock out of him after another moment and Kaidan allowed him to roll off of him and onto his side of the bed. Kaidan glanced over at him for a moment and then rolled off of the bed, tugging off his shirt as he stood up and moving to go to the bathroom—but arms encircled his waist tightly, and he was pulled between Joshua’s knees in a tight grip. He felt Joshua press his forehead to his back.

“I need to take a shower,” he told his lover gently, already getting that awful feeling of cooling cum rolling down his inner thigh.

“Don’t go…I mean…I’ll come too.” Joshua rarely made demands like that, usually he asked to make sure it was okay. Always aware that he may be impeding on Kaidan’s space. That it wasn’t a question told Kaidan exactly what had brought on Joshua’s sudden spur of possessiveness.

“Horizon?”

“I-I don’t remember, but I woke up and you weren’t here and the other side of the bed was cold and I felt sick,” Joshua told him, in a tumble of words that couldn’t have possibly been rehearsed.

If he ever got to a mission location and they started debriefing him with “sorry we lied, you have to stay an extra two and a half weeks” again he was turning around and going home.

He patted Joshua’s arm gently. “Let’s go take the shower then, you came help me get rid of this mess you made.”

Joshua squeezed him gently, nodding against his back before releasing him. Kaidan took a step away from the bed, and Joshua followed after him closely, losing his pants and socks somewhere on the way to the bathroom.

As the bathroom door shut he pushed Joshua against it gently and wrapped his arms around him. He kissed him softly. “I’m _always_ coming back,” Kaidan told him gently.

Joshua nodded, let his head fall into his shoulder and muttered, “I know,” back to him. He knew that Joshua believed it, even if his soul didn’t sometimes.


	8. Modern Technology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua's bored, and Kaidan's away, so he takes advantage of him over an omnitool call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire chapter was inspired by (or should I say the premise was written by and I just expanded on it) [mythicbeast](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mythicbeast) so this is pretty much their chapter.
> 
> I didn't read over it, I'm sorry, I'm sleepy. T-T Will do it tomorrow.

He was bored.

He was bored and lonely.

He was bored, and lonely, and he just wanted Kaidan to be back from his stupid Spectre mission so that he could be fucked into their mattress.

He was bored, and lonely, and horny.

He’d been gone for about a week, and all that Joshua knew was that he was escorting someone ‘important’ from somewhere to somewhere else. And apparently he was lucky to know that much, it being a merely a courtesy extended by the council for his past Spectre status, which was just another big smack in the face by them. They wouldn’t let him be a Spectre again, but they’d take his boyfriend from him for several weeks out of the year, split right down the middle with the Alliance who took him the rest of the time.

He was just about ready to be an annoying thorn in Kaidan’s side for a few minutes. He rarely took the offer to ‘call him whenever’, but when he did it usually left him more frustrated than he had been before he made the call.

He’d already spent most of the day frustratedly going from task to task in their apartment, making yet _another_ model in his office, doing all of the cleaning, going for his afternoon run, making dinner for himself and cleaning some more.

It was probably his stubbornness about the whole situation that was frustrating him so. In his mind, he had Kaidan so he shouldn’t need to release his own sexual tensions, but Kaidan wasn’t around nearly as often as he would have liked. So it was more like he was going on strike, but there was no one around to hear or care about it.

So, whatever. He was getting ready for bed, and he _needed_ to hear Kaidan’s voice. He couldn’t take it anymore. So he set himself up on their bed, pulled out his omnitool, and dialed through to Kaidan’s omnitool some thousand light-years away. Comlinks were amazing.

He was lying on top of the blankets, completely naked as was his usual choice of pajamas, and had made sure that his omnitool wasn’t broadcasting his face, just in case Kaidan was with other people.

The omnitool rang for a few moments, and then made that satisfying little connection noise it made when someone picked up. It was mostly satisfying because he got to hear Kaidan say, “Hey, what’s up? Isn’t it late there?” right after.

He could see Kaidan, but Kaidan couldn’t see him. Kaidan was in his blue Alliance armour, Joshua could tell even though he could only see part of Kaidan’s top half from the angle of the omnitool. He’d forgotten how _good_ he looked in that armour. He’d forgotten how many times he’d caught himself ogling his ass in that armour and had to reel himself back.

“Yeah,” he replied, nuzzling his head into the pillow and trying to pretend that it felt something like Kaidan’s chest. “What time is it there?”

“Just past noon, I’m sort of on break. Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he replied again, shifting slightly on the bed and running a hand up his chest.

“Why isn’t the camera on?” Kaidan asked, brow furrowing slightly at him through the camera at his side. Joshua sighed softly, wishing he could touch him, and missing him so much that it hurt.

“Naked.”

“Oh,” was Kaidan’s short answer, his previously furrowed brows jumping upwards slightly on his forehead before he readjusted his position and leaned closer to the camera. Joshua became lost in his eyes. “Well, yeah, it is late there.”

“Mhmm,” Joshua agreed, getting over his want to touch Kaden by touching himself, his free hand wandering over his own peck and then rolling the nipple there. “How long do you have?”

“Fifteen…twenty minutes?” Kaidan asked, looking slightly concerned again. “Why?”

“I need you,” was the reply which escaped from Joshua’s lips before he could catch it. Kaidan’s brows went up again, making the wrinkles deeper on his forehead.

“I…Joshua I’m on the other side of the galaxy, I’m in my armour…I can’t exactly…”

“Please?” Joshua begged, looking imploringly at his lover’s face even though he couldn’t actually be seen by him. He ran his hand down his chest, skipped over the awful mess on his stomach, and gripped himself lightly in his hand.

When Kaidan didn’t reply for a moment, looking sincerely apprehensive about the whole idea, Joshua almost ran for it, tell him it was a joke or something and close down the entire conversation. But he was _so_ desperate for something, _anything_ that instead he said, “You always looked so _good_ in that armour.”

Kaidan’s lip twitched upwards, and he shook his head just a bit. “What do you want me to do?”

“Talk to me?” Joshua offered, his tone dragging into desperate at the end. He stroked himself once, and then twice, and let out a soft gasp.

“Okay, but turn on your camera,” Kaidan said, squirming slightly in which ever chair he was in.

Joshua smirked, thank god for modern technology. “I can do better than that,” he told him.

Every vid screen and TV in their apartment was wired to function as both a way to view vids and a way to communicate, so he knew that there was a camera on the TV in their bedroom as well as a way to broadcast the feed from his omnitool to the screen so he could see Kaidan bigger there. He typed the commands into his omnitool and with a flash the big screen across from their bed turned on and Kaidan’s rather eager face appeared on it. At once Joshua saw Kaidan’s gaze swipe across what must have been his image. He felt a coil of pleasure in his belly at the thought of it.

His lover’s cheeks turned slightly red. “You know, I’m going to regret this in a few minutes, I can’t exactly remove my pelvic plate right now,” Kaidan told him, leaning back from his omnitool and giving Joshua a full view of his chest.

Joshua set his omnitool down on the bedside table, not needing it now that his attention was on the screen in front of him, and rolled his hips up into his hand just for show. He turned his head to the side, spread his legs slightly, and used his now free hand to thumb at his nipple. “I love you,” Joshua told him gently, he thought he saw Kaidan’s nostrils flare.

“I love you too…so much…god you’re beautiful.”

It didn’t matter that he didn’t really believe it, the praise almost made his hips roll up into his hand of their own accord, another pleasurable spike lancing through his system.

“Tell me something,” Joshua implored him gently, his breath coming out in gentle huffs. There was something just…exciting about knowing that Kaidan was watching this from the other side of the galaxy, even while his heart ached to actually be able to touch him.

“Like…what, you want me to tell you what to do?” Kaidan asked.

“You’re the one in the Alliance issued armour, ‘Major’ Alenko.” It wasn’t his rank anymore, but he was pretty sure that if he used Kaidan’s actual rank it would make him uncomfortable.

His suggestion made Kaidan’s brow raise up. He chuckled, and Joshua moaned softly. He loved the sound of Kaidan talking, laughing, anything. “Yeah, okay…” Kaidan nodded, eye dancing over him as he appeared to think about his first move. Joshua, with effort, ceased the movement of both of his hands, going as far as to release his cock all together and putting his hands beside him on the bed. He spread his legs just a tad more, watching Kaidan viewing him hungrily. “No, go back to doing that, you were doing well there…with your cock in your hand.”

A thrill of pleasure ran up Joshua’s spine, dirty talking Kaidan was always a good thing. He took his cock back in hand, but didn’t move it. He simply fixed Kaidan with an innocent, expectant look, and waited.

Kaidan chuckled at him again. “I knew you’d start pulling that, start moving your hand again, before I have to come back and move it for you.”

Joshua did what he was told, closing his eyes and gripping himself a bit tighter than he had been before as he stroked. “I want you to come back,” he told him, cracking his eye open just a bit only to see the reaction on Kaidan’s face.

It was that apologetic little half smile that he always got. “I know, three more days, I promise.”

“When you get back I want you to fuck me so hard that I can’t walk straight,” Joshua told him, eyes rolling shut again as he rolled his hips up into his hand. The other at his side gripped the blankets lightly.

Kaidan hummed appreciatively. “I think I can do that, but…for now…you’re going to have to take care of yourself.”

Joshua opened his eyes again at that, movement not stopping with his hand, but waiting intently for whatever Kaidan was about to throw at him. Once upon a time he never would have been able to give up control like this, he probably still couldn’t just hand it over to anyone, but Kaidan was a different story.

“Go and get our lube from the side table, and while you’re at it roll onto your stomach so that I can uh…make sure you’re following my instructions,” Kaidan instructed.

Joshua’s lips tugged up at one side and he did as he was told, rolling over and reaching over to grab the lube from the drawer in their side table. Somehow he managed to do that and keep the hand on his dick moving. When he settled back down he was on his knees, with his shoulders pressed into the bed and his head in and angle that he could _just_ see Kaidan on the screen. He didn’t need to see him anyways, just hearing him right then was enough.

There was a short moment of silence where Joshua wasn’t sure why Kaidan wasn’t saying anything else, filled only with himself gasping at the feeling of his hand on his cock and the thought of Kaidan watching him in such a compromising position. Then he heard a rush of breath from Kaidan and a soft, “Fuck,” and he knew exactly what the silence was for.

He shuffled his knees just a bit further apart.

“Okay, now,” Kaidan started, sounding just a bit breathless. “Coat your fingers and...” Kaidan paused, and Joshua figured he was getting a bit embarrassed. They’d never done anything like this, and it wasn’t like they spent all day describing their sex life. So Joshua took a bit of pity on him and did as he was told, and then reached up behind himself and began running his well coated fingers over his entrance. “That…yeah…that,” was Kaidan’s reaction.

Joshua moaned softly, running his fingers up along his own entrance and then down, reaching as far as the back of his balls before curling them up again. The idea that Kaidan was watching him, even if he wasn’t there, was intoxicating. He wanted to feel Kaidan’s hands on him, he imagined Kaidan’s hands on him. For the first time in his life when he imagined it he actually knew what it felt like.

He bit his lip and moaned as he pressed his finger past his tight outer ring of muscle.

“I bet you’re tight,” Kaidan told him breathlessly.

“U-uh huh.” Joshua agreed, rolling his hips back against his finger and trying to remember to keep his hand moving on his dick. Some days he preferred having anal sex to having his dick touched, it seemed like this was probably one of those days.

“How many do you want?” Kaidan asked, and Joshua was smart enough to infer the meaning.

“Th-three...about,” he told him, slipping the second finger in alongside the first a bit too soon on purpose because a part of him loved that stretch and burn. He pressed his fingers in, fighting against the odd angle in the hopes that he’d still be able to reach his prostate, but Kaidan knew his tricks apparently and called a stop to his quest before it even started.

“Nope, not yet, I want to see those fingers fucking the living daylights out of you,” Kaidan told him, apparently his embarrassment had gone away. Joshua groaned, hips bucking forward into his hand and then back into his fingers at his words.

“Yes, okay,” he gasped. He didn’t know what else to say, but he wanted Kaidan to know that he was listening to him and wanted to fulfil his every wish. He turned and moaned into the pillow as he worked his fingers in and out.

“I want to be able to hear you,” Kaidan said, sounding a lot more sure of himself than he had a minute before. Joshua’s mouth dropped open as he turned his head to the side and bucked back against his fingers. Every inward thrust produced a small, gasping moan.

“Th-that’s…” He left the word ‘embarrassing’ unsaid and a shiver rolled up his spike as Kaidan chuckled at him and ignored his half made plea entirely.

“Are you going to put in the other one?”

“Yes…uh…yeah,” Joshua replied, his mouth and his brain not quite working together properly. He pressed the third finger in, gritting his teeth slightly against the burn and halting the hand which had been working on his dick.

“Alright there love, relax, breathe,” Kaidan instructed him gently, as if he were there and inside him and he was just having one of those days where he was a bit too tense.

“Uh…Kaidan,” he whined, spreading his legs just a fraction more and remembering to breathe like he was told.

“Are you alright?” Kaidan asked, and Joshua nodded before he remembered that Kaidan couldn’t really see it.

“I’m…mm…alright,” he replied, working his hips back against his fingers slightly.

“Good, then I want you to make yourself cum,” Kaidan told him. Joshua’s thighs twitched slightly. He wanted to wrap his arms and legs around Kaidan and ride him into his climax, but he couldn’t so he decided to give Kaidan the best damn show that he could.

He began moving his hand on his cock again, rolling his hips slightly to meet every downward stroke, while rolling them back against his fingers which he started moving again.

He moaned, thinking about how Kaidan must feel right then, unable to touch himself or even relieve the pressure of his erection against the pelvic plate. He’d been in that situation before, and at the time thought it was terrible, but somehow the idea of Kaidan watching him, somewhere, in some star system far away, hunched over his omnitool in a private room while watching him made him moan more, and louder.

He wanted Kaidan with him, but he was also revelling in the feeling of just being _watched_ by him as his hand moved over his own cock and he pressed his fingers into his anus. With each press of his fingers he let out a breathless moan, attempting to press that bit further each time until he could actually reach his goal.

When his middle finger _finally_ brushed against his prostate he cried out, bucking back into his hand and causing his finger to come into further contact with his previously elusive sweet spot. He moaned loudly, hearing the sound of Kaidan’s breath rushing out of him.

“That’s it, just like that,” Kaidan coaxed, and Joshua moaned in return. He couldn’t get words to form in his head, he just wanted Kaidan to love him, and miss him, and hurry back because he needed him as badly as he needed Kaidan.

“Kaidan,” Joshua gasped, rolling his hips back against his fingers again and moaning at the feeling of his fingers pressing just into the right spot, _finally._

“God, Joshua, when I get home I’m going to fuck you _so hard_.”

That did it, the next thrust of his fingers, coupled with Kaidan’s growled out words made him cry out sharply in pleasure. His hand jerked quickly over his cock as he came, grinding back into his fingers so that they were pressing into his prostate, and arching his back as he moaned.

He sat there panting for a few moments, moaning softly as the last waves of pleasure wracked his body. His hand stilled on his dick and he slowly withdrew his fingers. His shoulders felt like _they’d_ just run a marathon. He rolled into his side, looking up at the screen and seeing Kaidan’s face there, pupils blown, but with the softest of loving looks on his face.

“I love you,” Joshua gasped, reaching over to the side table to grab several tissues to clean up his mess.

“I love you too,” Kaidan told him breathlessly. “I miss you so much.”

“That was um…” Joshua looked down at the blanket as he dabbed the spots of his cum off of it, feeling embarrassed now that he act was done.

“That was fucking amazing, next time let’s do it when I can actually participate, instead of having to go out with some stuck up salarian dignitary for the next several hours and try not to cum in my armour,” Kaidan said. Joshua chuckled, then snorted, and then started laughing. He didn’t know why, he was tired, sated, and the man he currently wanted to be snuggled up against was on the other side of the world, but the idea of Kaidan having to deal with a salarian dignitary while trying to hide an erection was funny. “You keep that up, and the next time Hackett comes over I’ll get my revenge!” Kaidan told him sternly.

He tossed the soiled tissues into the garbage bin beside the side table and rolled onto his back on the bed, resting his hands on his chest. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”

Kaidan smiled at him, and then there was a knock on Kaidan’s side of the conversation. He looked up, but whomever had knocked didn’t come inside, just said something which was too muffled for Joshua to here. “I’ll be out in just a moment,” Kaidan called back, before turning back to look at him apologetically. “I have to go love, are you going to bed?”

“Yeah…I guess so.” He hated sleeping alone. This was the part where he could tell Kaidan that he wasn’t going to be sleeping, that he didn’t sleep when Kaidan wasn’t there, that he either spent the entire night scaring himself awake every time he started dreaming, or waking up screaming and spending the rest of the night sitting in their room remembering to take deep breaths. This was the part where he never did that.

Kaidan smiled at him affectionately, and Joshua returned the smile. He slipped up and then under the covers, looking up at Kaidan’s beautiful face on the TV and thinking he should find a way to get it frozen there permanently.

“Good night Joshua.”

“Good night Kaidan, but I guess it’s not really night there.”

Kaidan shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Sleep well, I love you.”

“I love you too...be safe okay?” There was nothing worse than knowing that Kaidan was on the other side of the galaxy being shot at, and that he wasn’t there to take the bullet if things got dicey.

“It’s just a babysitting detail…but yeah, I’ll be safe, promise,” Kaidan told him.

They both stared at each other for a moment, but then Kaidan must have heard something happening outside his door because he looked up, sighed heavily, and then looked back at him with an apologetic look. He mouthed, “Three days,” and then the communication cut out.

Joshua sighed, told the apartment VI to turn off the light to the bedroom, and rolled over to go to sleep.

He was really looking forward to Kaidan coming home.


	9. Up Against a Wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Actually continued from last chapter)  
> Kaidan returns from his Spectre mission, tired, but still horny from the show which Joshua put on for him several days prior. So, naturally, mind blowing sex ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh, up against the wall was something I did a lot when I was a young smut writer, but it doesn't really make sense, so I tweaked it a bit. The whole "I am the top, and you are a pretzel" thing would be...interesting, but unlikely, and the last thing we need is Joshua dumped on his ass. XD
> 
> It's late, as usual, I'm sorry. I read over like...half of it, but it also took me 5 tries to type the word 'forehead' at one point, so I don't know!

Three days later, when Kaidan got home, Joshua was standing in the kitchen overlooking the making of coffee. Despite the speed at which ships travelled, he knew Kaidan would be both tired and jet-lagged. He was in the middle of measuring out ground up beans into the frankly too fancy machine when he heard the door open. He smiled to himself, Kaidan had somehow managed to get home early.

“In the kitchen,” he called, glancing over his shoulder in the direction of the door. The kitchen wall prevented him from seeing through to the doorway, but he could hear Kaidan shuffling around and he heard the distinct thump of Kaidan’s bag on the floor.

For some reason Kaidan didn’t reply, but he wasn’t too concerned, he just continued his task of setting the coffee maker to go. He’d just filled the pot with water to pour into the chamber when a hand patted his hip. He tensed, only for a moment, before relaxing as Kaidan’s arms wrapped around his waist and tugged him back against him. Joshua snuggled back into him, and Kaidan started kissing his neck.

“Mm…what’re you doing?” Joshua asked, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back against Kaidan’s shoulder. He set the coffee pot down on the counter.

“Keeping my promise,” Kaidan told him huskily. Joshua shivered, feeling Kaidan’s teeth brush against the spot on his neck just below his ear.

“Really? I didn’t expect…um…” Nope, too late his brain was gone and one of Kaidan’s hands had started rubbing into the front of his pants. He could already feel Kaidan hard and ready up behind him.

“I keep thinking about…how damn beautiful you looked…on the bed…but it was so _frustrating_ not being able to…touch you.” Each pause was punctuated with a kiss, or a nip, the last one by the slightest thrust of Kaidan’s hips up against his ass. Joshua moaned softly.

“H…Here?” he asked, turning his head to the side just in time for Kaidan to capture his lips passionately. He gasped, rolling his hips gently forward into Kaidan’s hand and parting his lips so that his lover could get better access. Kaidan in control, _this_ in control, was intoxicating. He couldn’t help the moan that broke out when Kaidan’s tongue made it into his mouth.

After several moments of Kaidan kissing him silly, and slipping his hand in the front of his jeans so he could paw at him properly, Joshua pulled away just slightly so that he could repeat his question. He was already panting softly, desperately wanting Kaidan as much as Kaidan wanted him.

“Here?” he asked again. Kaidan looked at him for a moment, clearly thinking very hard, his hand was still doing _terrible_ things as he thought. Joshua’s eyes slipped shut again and he tucked his head under Kaidan’s chin, making soft needy noises as he rolled his hips up into Kaidan’s hand and petting fingers.

“I need a shower,” Kaidan told him gently, kissing his hair.

“You can’t leave me here after doing this, that’s not fair,” Joshua complained, taking hold of Kaidan’s arms to make a point that he wasn’t allowed to go anywhere.

“It’d make us even, that’s for sure,” Kaidan joked, chuckling softly and squeezing him gently with both his arms and his questing hand. Joshua huffed, partially because that was a _terrible_ idea and partially because Kaidan had squeezed him _just so_ and the air had wanted to escape his lungs.

“Fuck me,” he muttered breathlessly, nuzzling up under Kaidan’s chin and rubbing his ass against the tent in the front of Kaidan’s pants.

Kaidan groaned, withdrew his hand from Joshua’s pants, tugged his arms back from around him, and grabbed his elbow. “Come with me into the shower then,” he told him, already practically dragging him out of the kitchen.

He hadn’t thought of that, for some reason, but he thought it was a brilliant idea. He followed eagerly.

The problem with being away from each other for so long, even though it hadn’t been _that_ long, but whatever, was that when they got back together they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. It took them about twice as long to get from the kitchen to the fancy bathroom attached to their bedroom than it usually did.

Kaidan kept pausing, once to push him up against the wall in the hallway to the stairs to kiss him and touch him until he was moaning and practically begging for more, once to push him against the hand rail at the bottom of the stairs (which he was pretty sure was Kaidan’s favourite thing), and then again at the top of the stairs right beside their bedroom door.

By the time they actually got to the shower they were both pretty much ready to be naked and to screw the living daylights out of each other, but they had to break apart to get undressed and start the shower.

“You have a bite mark on your lip,” Kaidan told him gently, as they came together once both of them had divested themselves of their shirts. Apparently they couldn’t even be apart long enough to completely undress. Kaidan’s thumb ran over his lip.

“Mm, yeah, I know,” Joshua replied, hands going for Kaidan’s belt because he wanted to be naked and in bed with him _three days ago_.

“Where’d it come from?”

“Please, I _need_ you,” Joshua moaned, playing master of manipulation and kissing Kaidan hard while his hand snaked into his pants and touched the heated skin there so he could stroke Kaidan slowly, and tortuously gentle.

Kaidan groaned, his questioning apparently blown from his mind as he rolled his hips up into Joshua’s hand and threaded his fingers through the hair at the back of his head to hold him in the kiss. Joshua groaned, running his tongue over Kaidan’s lips and coaxing his tongue out of his mouth so that they could kiss, clumsily and open mouthed.

Kaidan’s hands eventually found his pants as well, popping the button, pulling the zip, and forcing them and his underwear down from his hips in one strong push. Joshua spread his legs slightly, allowing the articles to fall and pool at his ankles. He stepped out and kicked them away, proceeding to copy Kaidan’s actions with his pants as well.

When they stood there naked, panting, and flushed all the way down to their chests, Kaidan finally went to set the shower. Before he went though, he ran his thumb across Joshua’s lip and he _knew_ he was going to have to answer his question at some point.

For now though, he watched Kaidan turn his back to him and set the shower’s temperature, and then he wandered back into their room to quickly grab their bottle of lube. It didn’t matter how horny he was, he wasn’t going to try this without lubrication. Water was about as efficient as entering SR-1 drive core alignment procedures into the SR-2.

When he came back, only five seconds later, Kaidan was at the door of the bathroom to meet him with another sloppy kiss and the feeling of their _finally_ unclothed erections pressing against each other.

Joshua moaned, then pressed the bottle of lube into Kaidan’s hands. “Please, I need you so much it hurts.”

Kaidan replied by taking said bottle and humming at him, so low it was almost a growl, before taking his elbow and leading back into the already running shower. Joshua pulled the door open behind Kaidan, and they both stepped in.

Usually Joshua felt like the shower was too big, it was large and rectangular and it had a giant see-through glass window that also had a door, and there was a spot at the end of the shower that, unless you aimed the shower head way up, the water didn’t reach. That _really_ made no sense.

But right now? Right now it was good because Kaidan was able to set the bottle of lube outside of the spray of the shower, and flip him around so that he could press him up against said giant see-through glass wall. Joshua pressed his head against the glass, cool against his forehead while the hot water ran over his skin, and Kaidan’s hot hands wandered over his chest, and down between his legs, and everything just felt _hot_.

He moaned, grinding himself back against Kaidan’s cock and feeling with great triumph how Kaidan’s hips rocked forward against him. Good, so good, to feel Kaidan’s hands on him again finally, but now he didn’t know what to do with his own, so he pressed them against the glass wall, staggered his footing a bit, and leaned forward.

Kaidan swore, and Joshua felt a delicious shiver of pleasure run up his spine. Just like that, he wanted Kaidan to look at him and be so enticed by him that he wouldn’t ever want to leave again.

All at once all the touches to his body were gone, and Joshua squirmed, feeling open and frankly uncomfortable without Kaidan pressed up behind him. Then Kaidan’s hands came to his hips, gently tugging backwards. He went, casting an unsure look over his shoulder.

“Can we do it like this?” Kaidan asked, running a hand up over his ass and then down again and a little bit down his thigh. Joshua bit his lip, winced because it _hurt_ and then just pressed his lips together instead as he thought.

“You don’t want to see my face?”

“You just…you look really good all…uh…spread out like this,” Kaidan told him, getting sheepish for a moment. It was true, he was all spread out, up against the wall of the shower with his legs spread and his hands pressed up against the wall to keep himself standing.

“Okay then,” Joshua agreed, widening his stance just a bit more, but honestly just wiggling his ass a little bit for Kaidan to see. It had the right effect, Kaidan’s gaze automatically dropping and the hand which had been gently running up and down his ass cheek probing gently between his buttocks to run up and then back down along his entrance.

Joshua rolled his hips back, then turned back to rest his head against the glass wall.

“As long as you’re sure,” Kaidan said softly, fingers running over the backs of his balls. Joshua moaned.

“Fuck me, and if I can walk straight afterwards I’m going to be disappointed,” Joshua told him, closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling of Kaidan exploring with his fingers. His other hand was set gently on his hip, applying pressure finger by finger and then repeating.

Kaidan agreed lowly, leaning in to kiss his shoulder blade and then disappearing completely again. This time he was able to follow his movements, hearing the click of the lube bottle.

“Water may wash away some of the lube,” Kaidan said thoughtfully. He hadn’t cared about it ten minutes ago, why did he care about it now?

“Don’t care, _fuck me_.”

Kaidan chuckled, Joshua shivered, and the next thing he knew there was a probing finger pressing lightly against his entrance. The hand which had been on his hips found its way to his balls and began rolling them lightly. Joshua gasped as the finger pressed in, longer and so much _better_ than his own. Kaidan was easily able to press in to his knuckle, and Joshua practically whined, clenching around the invasive digit and rolling his hips against it.

“If you’re that tense I won’t be able to ‘fuck you’,” Kaidan warned.

“M not tense, I want more, like _yesterday_ ,” Joshua told him, feeling too hot and yet like he wasn’t getting enough stimulation. Kaidan’s finger began moving gently in and out, coating his insides with lubricant and stroking him _just right_. Joshua pressed his forehead against the glass and moaned, exhaling and creating more fog than was already there.

After a few short moments of that torturous in and out, Kaidan leaned forward and whispered into his ear, “How many do you want?”

Joshua probably could have cum right there, but he was a good man who had _some_ restraint. He swallowed, took a moment to calm himself down as he bucked back to meet Kaidan’s still moving finger. “Two, and then your cock, please, Kaidan.”

“Just two?” Kaidan teased, curling his finger _just so_ and making Joshua cry out softly.

“I…” Damn it why did he always ask questions and then do things like _that_? Kaidan, having found the spot which he wanted to abuse, spent the next several seconds pressing his finger gently against Joshua’s sweet spot and presumably listening to him moan, whimper, and whine until he took a sharp breath and said, “Two, and your cock, damn it, _fuck me!_ ”

Kaidan chuckled and kissed his shoulder again. “Alright. You’re more needy than I am, and _I_ had to watch that little show you put on the other day.”

“Not en…enough,” Joshua told him, eyes slipping shut as the second finger joined alongside the first. Kaidan’s other hand had moved back to his hip again, gripping him gently as his fingers set up a steady rhythm.

“I missed you Joshua,” Kaidan told him gently, surprisingly so for the activity they were taking part in. Joshua’s fingers twitched on the glass and Kaidan reached out to put his hand over Joshua’s, then interlace their fingers.

“Mhmm,” Joshua agreed, afraid that if he opened his mouth some really undignified sounds would make it out.

Kaidan chuckled, clearly understanding his reasoning and kissing him gently on the ear before pulling away again and setting his hand back on his hip. He stretched out his fingers slightly and Joshua gasped loudly, using the wall for leverage and pressing back against Kaidan’s fingers.

“Do you think you’re ready?” Kaidan asked him, his tone back to suggestive.

“Was ready yesterday,” Joshua told him, panting and making soft mewling sounds with each exhale. “Just _do it_.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Kaidan replied, and Joshua replied by groaning frustratedly and curling his toes on the tile, bucking back against Kaidan’s fingers roughly.

“ _Kaidan!_ ” he cried in frustration.

Seemingly that placated him, Kaidan’s fingers withdrew and all at once his touches ceased for a moment. He heard his lover moving through the shower, and the second click of the lube bottle. Joshua shuffled his feet in anticipation, feeling slick and _so ready_. When Kaidan came back, a hand brushing lightly over his hip before he was really there, he chuckled at him.

“Do that too much and you’ll be in serious trouble.” Kaidan ran a hand up his spine, the other settling on his hip. Joshua replied by shuffling his feet again, liking the sound of Kaidan groaning and pressing his erection up against his ass.

He glanced over his shoulder at Kaidan, who looked up at him as well and took his erection in hand. “Am I in trouble yet?”

“So much trouble,” Kaidan replied, lining himself up and pressing the head of his cock against his hole. Joshua made a high pitched gasping noise that he’d deny layer, letting his head fall back against the glass pane.

As Kaidan pressed in Joshua leaned forward slightly, trying to accommodate the odd angle and the feeling of Kaidan’s cock pressing just a bit more insistently against his insides. His hip was probably going to hate him after this, but he hated his hip too so they’d be even.

He gritted his teeth and breathed heavily through his nose as Kaidan pressed in deeper, about half way in he stopped and started running fingers through the back of his hair. Relaxing was usually not that hard to do, but trying to keep himself upright meant he couldn’t just relax everything from his hips down like he usually did. He felt tenser, even to himself, and it made Kaidan press up against him in different ways.

“You okay?” Kaidan asked him, hand running from his hair down his back as the other gripped his hip gently.

It took him a moment, because he _really_ had to think about it. Okay was pretty good, right? So in that case he definitely wasn’t okay. “I’m…fantastic.”

He could practically hear the smile in Kaidan’s voice, along with the gruffness. “Well, that’s good then.”

And then Kaidan started moving, and it was like every thrust was accompanied by little shocks of electric pleasure, the usual slide accompanied by Kaidan knowing just the angle to thrust at and the position making that angle amazing.

He gasped and moaned, pressing his hands against the glass in hopes that they alone would keep him on his feet because he was _pretty sure_ his knees were going to give out at some point. He listened to Kaidan, listened to him make that delicious little grunting sound he made with each thrust.

It didn’t take very long at all until he was buried completely inside on each thrust. Joshua felt wonderfully stretched, and each thrust was making coils of pleasure run up his spine. Kaidan moaned softly behind him, and Joshua replied by pressing his forehead against the glass and mewling in return.

“Good?” Kaidan asked, like it needed to be asked.

“Ah…uh…” And, naturally, words weren’t working.

“You look amazing,” Kaidan told him, thrusting against his prostate consistently. Joshua could only reply by moaning, and exhaling soft little sounds with every thrust. His words failed him, all he knew was Kaidan, and Kaidan moving inside of him, and Kaidan’s hands both of his hips pulling him back with every thrust, and Kaidan thoroughly fucking him into the wall of their shower.

The pleasure was getting insistent, he wanted to cum so badly, but there was absolutely no stimulation to his front. Yet, the feeling of Kaidan hitting that spot so perfectly with every thrust was slowly driving him mad. He cried out softly as Kaidan’s pace picked up, mouth falling open because it took too much effort and brain cells to close it.

“More,” he gasped, staggering his stance just that bit more and using the wall to press his entire body into Kaidan’s thrusts. And then Kaidan’s thrusts became more insistent as well, pressing him further up against the wall and hitting his sweet spot every time.

Joshua cried out loudly, riding a wonderful explosion of pleasure that ran from his insides all the way up to his fingers and down to his toes. When it had subsided Joshua panted softly, feeling it quickly building again. It was _fucking amazing_. He wanted more.

One of Kaidan’s arms wrapped around his torso, pulling him closer for an angle with made it possible to move quicker and harder. Joshua was reduced to loudly crying out his pleasure, his hands curling into fists over the glass and dragging the fog away.

“Joshua, mm…god I love you,” Kaidan moaned, leaning forward with his knew angle and biting the flesh of Joshua’s shoulder.

It wasn’t hard enough to break the skin, but it was hard enough in tandem with Kaidan’s thrust against his abused prostate to send him over the edge. His legs shook, his back arching as he pressed his body back against Kaidan’s and cried out Kaidan’s name sharply. His cum splattered on the wall, some of it quickly washing away in the water which was still falling over them.

He could feel how his muscles clamped down on Kaidan, how Kaidan’s cock still pressed against his over stimulated nerves and how Kaidan’s grip on him increased for a moment before he was coming as well. Kaidan swore, releasing him from his teeth and pressing his forehead into his shoulder instead as he rode out his orgasm, thrusting several times as he came.

Joshua moaned, the feeling of _finally_ being filled was simply great. He didn’t care about the mess to clean up later, unlike Kaidan. They were in the shower already anyways.

“Did…did you just cum without me touching you?” Kaidan asked, sounding entirely disbelieving. He even went as far as to sneak a hand around and run a hand over his quickly softening erection.

Joshua whined. “God Kaidan…” He didn’t know if he was protesting Kaidan touching him, he nerves absolutely fried, or he was applauding the frankly thorough fucking he’d just received. His knees were shaking slightly, and his hip was starting to ache.

The hand which had tentatively wrapped around him let go, and then came back up around his chest. Joshua let Kaidan pull him back to the other side of the shower, along the tile wall where the seat was. Kaidan had insisted it was put in, though probably more for when his leg was hurting and less for when he’d been fucked so hard he couldn’t stand.

“You okay?” Kaidan asked, settling into the chair and tugging Joshua down with him. Joshua settled beside him, flopping over against Kaidan’s shoulders and closing his eyes. He reached out and Kaidan took his hand.

“Good,” he replied, running his fingers up and down Kaidan’s with both of his hands.

“Did you—“

“Yes,” Joshua interrupted him. “ _Fucking_ good,” he amended.

“You gonna sit here while I wash off?”

Joshua nodded, attempting to support himself and just letting his head fall back against the wall. Kaidan stood and looked down at him lovingly.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, and you purposefully forgot the condom,” Kaidan told him, tweaking his nose. Joshua smiled up at him stupidly, squeezing his hand once and then letting go. The fingers which had tweaked his nose ran along his bottom lip gently.

Joshua’s smile practically melted off of his face and he turned to watch the water pouring from the shower head.

“You gonna tell me what happened?” Kaidan asked, wandering under the spray and quickly soaping up his hands and his hair.

“I bit my lip.” He watched his lover bath, his brain wasn’t really functioning. He felt like he was on a cloud, the aching in his hip noticeable, but almost not there.

“Right, when you stop looking like you just had the best sex ever I’ll ask you again,” Kaidan decided, giving him an appreciative look with a confident look in his eye.

“I _did_ just have the best sex ever,” Joshua told him.

Kaidan hummed in agreement, and turned back to his shower.


	10. Hands and Knees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another continuation (wow) from the "skype" chapter (Chapter 8).
> 
> Kaidan's really stuck on the images he saw of Joshua during their conversation and wants to try it again, this time with him in the room and him being the one to touch Joshua.
> 
> He gets a bit carried away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T-T I didn't read it over, sorryyyy. I do read them over usually the day after I post them (I just don't edit my notes 

He was sitting on the couch several days later, frustratedly trying to figure out where the piece he was holding attached to the model he was making, when Kaidan came and stopped at the top of the step just before the living room. He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms and watching him with a curious look on his face. Joshua couldn’t figure out if he was looking amused and affectionate, or amused and lecherous.

“Hello,” Joshua said, turning his head completely sideways trying to see where the stupid piece went. It was a harder model, a building, and so it was just another of several pieces which didn’t make very much sense in his brain.

Kaidan chuckled. “If you turn your head anymore it’ll fall off.”

“Good, then maybe it’ll have a better view of where this stupid piece is going to go.”

He saw Kaidan moving out of the corner of his eye, and watched without looking up as he sat down beside him. He was about to go back to frowning at his model, but Kaidan reached out and plucked both the piece and the instructions out of his hand and set them on the table. Not that he’d tried to stop him.

“I’ve been thinking,” Kaidan said, and Joshua automatically turned to him.

“Thinking,” Joshua repeated, pressing his lips together nervously. Thinking what? Thinking they should move? Thinking they should get a dog? Thinking he wanted to spend some more time away from him and take more Spectre missions? Thinking he wanted to start living on the Alliance Military Base?

“Don’t make that face.” Kaidan leaned forward and kissed him, his hand petting his cheek softly. Joshua leaned forward as well, accepting the kiss and trying really hard not to ‘make that face’. Kaidan’s other hand came around his shoulders, and tugged him further forward.

With a little bit of shuffling he was lying on top of Kaidan on the couch, with one of Kaidan’s hands on his back and the other tucked into the back of his jeans. His fingers started drawing circles on his buttock and Joshua squirmed slightly.

“Thinking?” He repeated again, though from this position he could _feel_ what Kaidan must have been thinking about.

“That call the other night.”

“What call?” Joshua asked innocently. Kaidan squeezed his ass and Joshua let his forehead fall against Kaidan’s shoulder.

“The one where you called me up in the middle of work, worked yourself over thoroughly, made me watch, and then left me high and dry for three days.” There was no animosity in Kaidan’s voice, rather a bit of humour.

Joshua nuzzled Kaidan’s shoulder, paying more attention to the feeling of Kaidan’s fingers now exploring the crevice of his ass than his words. He just shook his head slightly, and adjusted his legs a bit on the sofa.

“Do you remember now?” Kaidan asked, running his finger up and down inside the crevice.

“I don’t remember _anything_ right now,” Joshua told him. Kaidan pressed his finger just above his entrance and Joshua moaned softly, pressing his quickly awakening erection against Kaidan’s.

Kaidan’s other hand started brushing through the back of his hair, like he was comforting and arousing him at the same time. “I want to see you like that again, face down on the bed with your ass in the air.”

Joshua looked up at him, tried to think about it, felt Kaidan’s finger probe into his tight ring of muscle, and then dropped his head back down again. Thinking was too hard.

“Okay,” he managed to gasp while Kaidan’s finger was still _just_ probing him. He couldn’t do much more from there, arms and fingers were only so long, but the teasing was both wonderful and terrible.

“But this time we’re using a condom, Mr. Get Kaidan Aroused and Then ‘Forget’ the Condom,” Kaidan told him, his tone only slightly chastising. Joshua shook his head against Kaidan’s shoulder, protesting only by the pout on his face which Kaidan couldn’t even feel. His hips had already started moving, almost by their own accord, forward into Kaidan and backwards into his finger.

He didn’t like condoms, nope, he hated them. He felt like the intimacy was broken, they weren’t really touching, it was just like trying to have sex while wearing _pants_. He wasn’t one of those people who tried to manipulate and whine about how they didn’t let him feel as much, that was mostly bullshit, but he still didn’t like them. But, for Kaidan, he’d do anything.

Anything also included sticking his ass in the air and letting him do whatever he wanted. That, in fact, was on the list of easier things he would do.

“Okay, let’s go,” Joshua said finally, after several more moments of Kaidan’s teasing. He was still having trouble making his brain actually deliver words to his mouth, mostly he was just thinking strongly about how damn _good_ Kaidan’s barely there thrusting finger felt, and how much he wanted the hardness that was now firmly present against his to be inside of him. He had a very one track mind. He’d all but forgotten the model on the table, let alone how frustrated he’d been by it.

Kaidan chuckled, and Joshua enjoyed the feeling of it against his body. “You have to get off of me before I can go.”

“You put me here,” Joshua complained. “ _And_ …mm…teasing.” For a long moment Kaidan ignored him, continuing his torturous slight in and out, before Joshua looked up at him with a full on pout on his face. “ _Teasing_.”

“Oh, you want me to stop?” Kaidan asked, tilting his head innocently and curling his finger slightly as he retracted it. The pull made Joshua moan, and he dropped his forehead back against Kaidan’s shoulder and shook his head.

“But…uh I can’t…” Well, he couldn’t think, for one. He honestly didn’t want Kaidan to stop, but he also knew they couldn’t really do anything on the couch. There was no point, someone would have to go get lube. As arousing as Kaidan’s single finger pressing into him was, it wasn’t two fingers, or a cock. It was different. There were too many words in that statement though, and his brain wasn’t properly communicating with his tongue.

So instead he just adjusted his angle slightly, stretched upwards slightly, and latched on to Kaidan’s neck, sucking gently.

Kaidan pressed their hips together, moaning softly. “Mm, okay Joshua, okay,” he relented, tugging his neck out of reach and retracting his finger and his hand from Joshua’s pants. “I got it.”

Joshua only protested _slightly_ to the removal of the stimulation. His pants just felt tight without it, and he was pressed up against Kaidan just perfectly. With a soft huff he pushed himself to his feet, only pressing himself up against Kaidan on purpose once more before doing so. It was awkward, walking like he was with his erection tented in the front of his pants.

He made it to the bottom of the stairs, before realising that Kaidan hadn’t caught up with him. He turned around to find Kaidan from behind him slowly.

“What’re you doing?”

“Your ass looks absolutely fantastic right now,” Kaidan told him, coming up behind him and squeezing his ass as if to illustrate that fact.

Joshua pouted again. “What if I want you to kiss me?”

Kaidan gave him a mock pitying look and wrapped an arm around his waist, swinging around him and pushing him back against the handrail. “Aww, I’m sorry,” he said, and then proceeded to kiss the living daylights out of him.

Joshua gripped Kaidan’s shirt, working his tongue into the kiss as much as Kaidan was. He moaned, rubbing against the knee that had pressed between his legs. “Ah…fuck me…” Joshua gasped into the kiss.

Kaidan chuckled. “I thought…that was…the plan?” he asked, kissing him between words. Joshua rolled his hips, loving the friction of Kaidan’s knee between his legs.

“Yes...” Yes it was the plan, but he was having trouble thinking past four seconds from now, let alone a few minutes.

Kaidan broke the kiss, brushing his fingers through his hair at the sides with one hand, while the other held his waist tightly. He gave Joshua a very affectionate look, before pulling away and heading up the stairs in front of him. “This time you can look at my ass.”

Joshua nodded, following Kaidan up the stairs. His brain wasn’t quite over the kiss yet. “Yeah…I guess so.”

Kaidan chuckled, looking down at him from the top of the stairs and saying, “I love you.”

Joshua came to the last step, looking up at Kaidan and nodding, a smile coming to his face. “I love you too Kaidan…so much.” His heart ached at the idea of Kaidan leaving again, as he knew he would be in a few weeks. He stepped up to the top step beside Kaidan, and took his head so he could squeeze it slightly. “I missed you.”

It sounded like an odd thing for him to say, Kaidan had already been back for several days. Yet he couldn’t stop saying it. Sometimes he felt like he missed him when he was in the same room with him these days, anticipating the next time he’d leave and hating the idea of being left alone again.

Kaidan squeezed his hand gently. He stepped into the hallway before their bedroom and lifted his hand to his lips to kiss it. Joshua felt his cheeks colour, for no reason other than it was an odd gesture. “I know,” Kaidan told him softly, looking him meaningfully in the eye.

In those eyes Joshua thought he saw that if he’d just _say something_ Kaidan would stay, but he didn’t want to chance it, didn’t want to push Kaidan away. He swallowed thickly, pulling his hand away and side stepping Kaidan to go into their bedroom without another word because he _couldn’t_ say anything.

Kaidan came up behind him as he stopped at the end of the bed, wrapping his arms around his waist and tugging him close. Joshua tilted his head to the side automatically, exposing his neck and shivering when Kaidan’s lips pressed into the sensitive skin.

He didn’t know whether he was normal or not, normal people seemed to have erogenous _zones_ , where as he was sensitive anywhere if he was touched gently enough and with enough affection. Kaidan had zones, he knew them like the back of his hand. He _really_ liked when Joshua pushed at the spot just behind his balls, and he had more sensitive nipples.

But the feeling of Kaidan’s lips kissing up and down his neck, barely there, but definitely there, made him sigh in pleasure. He was distracted enough that he didn’t even notice on of Kaidan’s hands going to his jeans and undoing them, he wasn’t aware he was doing anything until he felt Kaidan’s hand wrap around his cock in his pants. He gasped then, rolling his hips slightly.

“Kaidan…”

“Yes?” Kaidan asked, lips ghosting over his neck as he spoke. Joshua whined softly, arching his back slightly because Kaidan’s other hand had found its way under his shirt and was gently running up his chest.

“T…too much…” he complained.

“Want me to stop?”

“No…uh just…Kaidan…” Even he didn’t know what he was trying to say. Kaidan was everywhere, still kissing his neck, now down onto his shoulder, and stroking his cock, and rolling one of his nipples under his finger.

Kaidan chuckled softly, apparently somehow interpreting his gibberish because he said, “I love you too,” into his shoulder. Yeah, that was probably what he wanted to say.

He was vaguely aware that _he_ was supposed to be doing something, not just Kaidan. He could feel Kaidan’s hardness pressed up against the back of his pants and he _really_ wanted that to be in him right now, but he couldn’t quite figure out how he was supposed to get it there. He turned his head, and Kaidan caught his lips in a slightly awkward kiss. The both groaned as Kaidan began gently thrusting his hips against his ass.

“I love you when you’re like this,” Kaidan told him, while their lips brushed together. “But I _really_ want to see you on your hands and knees before your legs stop working.”

Joshua pressed his lips against Kaidan’s and moaned softly. “’S your fault anyways.”

“I know.” Kaidan’s hand retreated from his pants, the other staying on his chest as he started actually pushing said pants off of his hips.

Joshua helped, clumsily taking his shirt off and tossing it in some direction before kissing Kaidan again and kicking off the pants which were now bunched around his ankles.

Kaidan kissed him for a moment before he broke the kiss and pulled away completely. Joshua looked over at him, he’d taking about a half foot step away from him. He frowned, wondering if he’d done something wrong, but Kaidan’s gaze raked down his body. Joshua shivered, feeling slightly self-conscious. Kaidan was still completely dressed. Besides the obvious tent in his pants he could easily walk out of the room and continue on with his day.

“Uhm…”

“Just admiring,” Kaidan told him, stepping back up close to him again and cupping his ass in one hand. They knew each other’s bodies well, so well that when one of Kaidan’s fingers quested between his buttocks he was able to press said finger up against his entrance without error. Joshua arched back against the touch and spread his legs a bit. “Mm…yep…”

“Yep?” Joshua asked, leaning forward so that his hands were on the bed so he could press back easier against Kaidan’s finger.

“You’re definitely gorgeous.”

“Kaidan…”

“You don’t get to see the way your back muscles tense when I do this…” Kaidan’s finger pressed against his entrance again, and Joshua huffed, shoulders tensing automatically.

“ _Kaidan_ ,” he complained. Kaidan chuckled at him, pulled his hand away again and then wandered off around the bed. “Well…I didn’t mean I wanted you to go away.”

“Lube,” Kaidan said simply.

“Oh.” Right, he’d forgotten about that, even though it was important. Kaidan had skillfully left out the condoms part, but he already saw him digging around in the drawer for the box. Joshua got up onto the bed, sitting in the centre of it and watching as Kaidan collected their supplies.

When Kaidan was finished he turned back to him. “That’s not quite right…” Kaidan tilted his head slightly, even though his gaze ran down and then back up his body again. Joshua pressed his lips together. He felt self-conscious already, but he simply affected a pout on his face and did as Kaidan expected him to do, setting himself up in the middle of the bed on his elbows and knees with his head pillowed in his arms. His arms could take his weight better, and they made a good place to put his head. The last time he’d ended up with a slightly cricked neck because he’d been balanced on his shoulders.

“Better,” Kaidan commented, disappearing behind him somewhere. Joshua heard the sound of him taking off some, or all, of his clothing.

“I can’t see you though,” Joshua complained softly. “I don’t know what you’re doing.”

There was a moment of pause. “Are you okay with this?” Kaidan asked, and bless him because he’d thought that Joshua had a problem with the position, that he was nervous about not being able to see him.

“Mm…yah, I’m okay,” Joshua decided, a soft smile on his lips as he readjusted his legs so that they were spread a bit more.

Another moment of pause, while Kaidan probably tried to figure out if he were lying. “Then just imagine I’m in the armour.”

“You look _so good_ in that armour.” Joshua wiggled his hips a bit, just for fun, feeling his cock bounce against his belly. “I used to have to take cold showers after missions because of that armour.”

“You know I really wish I’d known that,” Kaidan told him. Joshua felt the bed dip as Kaidan joined him, and he waited uncomfortably. He felt like Kaidan was appraising him. Of course he’d done this before, but it felt different with Kaidan in the room.

“Are you going to tell me what to do again?” he asked, not sure if he wanted to or not.

“No, I’m here this time, _I_ get to touch you this time.” The lube bottle’s lid clicked.

“Oh…okay, because I don’t—Ah!” A finger was being pressed against his entrance, this time slicked so it entered easily. Joshua pressed his forehead into his arms and fell abruptly silent, enjoying the feeling of Kaidan’s finger pressing into him.

“What was that?” Kaidan asked, withdrawing his finger and then pressing it back in.

“Touch me…” Joshua gasped. Kaidan did, a hand running gently down his ass and then his thigh, and then back up again as his finger pressed in and out and in again. Joshua had already had more than enough of one finger though, he worked his hips against Kaidan’s finger in an attempt to convey it.

Kaidan’s exploring hand ran up between his legs and rolled his balls for a moment before going down the other leg. Joshua moaned, shuffling his knees a bit further apart and rolling his hips into the touch that was already gone. It was fantastic, the way that Kaidan had figure out without words that he just liked being _touched_ so long ago and could so easily meet his demands now.

They’d done pretty good for two people who sucked at communication.

That was an odd thought to have, but it was quickly blasted away as Kaidan’s second finger worked its way in alongside the first. Joshua huffed softly, knowing full well that Kaidan hadn’t touched his prostate yet on purpose and finding the fact frustrating. He started rolling his hips in such a way that may coax him to touch it, but he somehow managed to dodge it.

“Not yet,” he was told gently, the exploring hand coming back up and rolling his balls again.

“Ah…but…but why?” Joshua asked, wanting to feel that lovely electric pleasure that the touch always brought him.

“Because I’m enjoying watching,” Kaidan told him simply. Joshua groaned, part frustration and part Kaidan pressing his finger into the vein on his cock which was probably definitely an erogenous zone.

“But…” he gasped.

“No,” Kaidan replied.

So he waited, feeling Kaidan’s fingers thrusting into him and Kaidan’s hand on his balls and only _sometimes_ his cock. It was driving him mad, fingers gliding across nerves quickly turning raw with pleasure and never touching him quite where he needed.

He was reduced to moans and gasps, lifting his head off of his arms so he could use his arms to help him move back to meet Kaidan’s every thrust. He grit his teeth, feeling like the pleasure was overwhelming him but he couldn’t quite _catch it_.

His thighs were shaking with the effort of holding himself up and handling the waves of pleasure that weren’t quite crashing high enough. The next time Kaidan’s finger pressed into the vein on his cock he made a very unmanly whimpering sound.

“Kaidan,” he complained, thinking he’d probably withstood enough torture. “Kaidan _please_ , I…I needed you then, I need you now. I _need_ you!”

“Okay, okay, shhh.” Kaidan’s fingers were slowly withdrawn, the hand on his balls gone too. There was a soft kiss to his left ass cheek and then he listened to the sound of Kaidan flicking open the lube bottle again. “Sorry, I think I got a bit carried away.”

Joshua pressed his lips together, feeling too high strung. “I need you,” he repeated breathlessly.

“Yeah, I know, just a sec love.”

“How about yesterday?” Joshua asked, his voice shaking just a bit. Suddenly he felt Kaidan’s warmth pressed against his back, as Kaidan leaned over him to kiss his shoulder gently.

“You already had me yesterday,” Kaidan reminded him softly. Joshua felt the head of his cock press against his entrance and closed his eyes, rolling back against it. Kaidan took hold if his hips. “If you go too quickly you’ll hurt yourself.”

“Don’t care.”

“And that’s why I’m in charge,” Kaidan said softly, with a bit of humour in his tone. Kaidan pushing in was like coming home again, the burn and stretch that he was used to was slightly dulled by the sheer amount of preparation he’d had. His nerves felt like they were on fire though, the pleasure he was feeling was magnified by how over sensitised he was feeling. He was afraid he’d come too quickly.

“Kaidan,” he complained, shuffling his hips slightly and gritting his teeth.

“Sssh, I know, I’m sorry. You don’t have to endure it, just let it come.”

At that moment Kaidan gave the slightest thrust of his hips, and _finally_ hit his prostate. The anticipation of it, and probably the lead up, made Joshua’s entire body tense for a moment as he cried out sharply. He thought he saw stars, and for a moment he wondered if he _had_ come. Electric pleasure ran up his thighs and coiled tight in his belly. But the thick heaviness of his cock remained when he’d recovered as well as the slight ache.

“I…”

“You okay?” Kaidan asked, withdrawing just a bit. Joshua moaned in reply, before realising that Kaidan probably wanted words.

“Yeah…good. Good. Please, more.”

Kaidan chuckled and Joshua could practically see him shake his head, he felt a kiss pressed to the small of his back. “Alright, more it is.”

Kaidan withdrew completely and then thrust back in, and Joshua cried out again as Kaidan’s cock dragged across his sweet spot. Part of him wanted to damn him for knowing his body so well, and the other was having a damn good time.

He thrust back to meet Kaidan’s next thrust, gasping sharply. Every touch was feeling electric, every thrust into his prostate making his thighs shake. It was too good, he didn’t know whether for moan for more or just cry because it was so good.

Kaidan set a quick, rough pace, clearly meant to bring both of them to their end quicker. Joshua thanked him internally for realising he couldn’t take much more of this. He rolled his hips back to meet Kaidan’s every thrust and gasped every time Kaidan’s hips met his, with a soft smacking sound.

“Mm…Kaidan…” he lifted his head slightly, panting and gripping the blankets in his hands.

“Gonna come?” Kaidan asked, panting as well and moaning softly with each thrust.

“Please, touch me,” Joshua gasped. He felt one of Kaidan’s hand immediately leave his hip, while the other continued to guide him back into every thrust. He felt Kaidan’s fingers ghost over his cock. “F-Fuck!” he swore, his voice breaking.

“Do you need me to touch you?” Kaidan asked, which he felt was a really odd question.

“Y-Yes, please!” he cried, desperately wanting that spark to catch. Kaidan’s hand wrapped around his cock and in three quick jerks he was coming, his passage clamping down on Kaidan and making him swear as Joshua’s legs shook and he cried out his pleasure.

A few more thrusts and Joshua felt the stutter of Kaidan’s hips that signified his end, the hand which was still around his hips clenching tightly as he continued to stroke him through the rest of his orgasm. He heard his names on Kaidan’s lips, and gasped out Kaidan’s name as well, as he felt Kaidan thrust just a few times more before coming to a slow stop.

The hand around his cock left and returned to his hip, drawing circles on his hip for a moment before Kaidan pulled out. Joshua grunted softly, rolling onto his side and looking up at Kaidan with exhaustion and affection. Kaidan ran a hand down his leg briefly and then went to find tissues and discard the condom.

He returned with several tissues in hand and in a few quick, almost automatic at this point, swipes he wiped off the bed. Then he held a fresh tissue out to Joshua, who closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Can’t… too much,” he muttered.

“You have lube _everywhere_ ,” Kaidan informed him.

Joshua just rolled onto his stomach again and spread his legs slightly. Taking the hint Kaidan mopped him up as well, then disappeared for another moment.

Joshua rolled back onto his side, feeling heavy and _very_ sated. When Kaidan came back and coaxed him under the covers, even though he was on the wrong side of the bed, Joshua snuggled up against him.

“It’s still afternoon, but I think you need a nap,” Kaidan said softly, running his fingers through his hair. Joshua nuzzled against his hand, his eyes already closed and his mind already sinking into what may actually be a good sleep for once. “I’m sorry, about pushing you too far there, even though you said something.”

“’S okay,” Joshua slurred, shifting slightly so he could nuzzle against Kaidan’s shoulder instead.

“I’ll listen next time, okay? I won’t get caught up in it.”

Joshua nodded. “It was just…just a bit too much.” He didn’t really care, not now, but if Kaidan cared then it was important. So he was going to try his hardest to make him feel better about it, even if he was falling asleep.

“I know.”

“But it’s okay, if I really didn’t want you to do something…I’d tell you, okay?” Joshua cracked his eyes open, looking up at Kaidan long enough to convince him that he wasn’t just saying things.

“Alright, still, I’m sorry.” Kaidan’s hand started running gently in circles over his stomach. “You…you get some sleep love.”

“Mm, yeah…sleep. Kaidan body pillow,” Joshua muttered, shifting his hips so that he could throw his leg of Kaidan’s and tug him closer.

Kaidan chuckled at him softly, and then Joshua was asleep.


	11. Please Tie Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sub/Dom was out of the question, because of obvious reasons with these two, but this was a slightly lighter version which was suggested by someone on tumblr: "Tied up Shepard, Kaidan doing stuff but refusing to let him cum"
> 
> So I sort of did that:
> 
> Joshua wants to try something a bit different than what they've done in the past, but he's worried that Kaidan won't like it. Kaidan, in fact, loves the idea and takes to it quite well.

“You want me to what?” Kaidan asked, his voice tilting into disbelieving and slightly disgusted, probably really disgusted. Crap.

Joshua, having not expected that reaction at all, gave his lover a shy half smile and immediately turned to leave the kitchen. What had he expected? Every time he asked more of his lover he got an indulgent little smile and a promise to try whatever it was out, but this time he’d obviously gone too far.

Plan B was always retreat. It had never used to be his Plan B, before there never had been one, but now it was always his second plan. What else was he supposed to do? He couldn’t handle the thought of his lover coming to dislike him because he was too kinky or too twisted. Kaidan dealt with all of the crap that he threw at him already, he’d been wrong to expect him to do this too.

“Woah, woah, where are you going?” Kaidan asked from behind him as his hand reached to open the door to their apartment.

“Running,” he stated, his voice pitching too high of its own accord to be considered calm. He cleared his treacherous throat.

“Nope, you stay right here.” Kaidan’s hand wrapped around his wrist and tugged him back. He turned back to him, but kept his eyes to the floor. He didn’t want to see Kaidan’s face. “Look at me,” Kaidan instructed calmly. “ _Look_ at me Joshua,” he repeated more strictly when he didn’t listen right away.

He looked up at Kaidan and pressed his lips together, shoulders bowing forward slightly in an effort to make himself look smaller. Kaidan sighed, the look on his face more concern than anything, and ran his fingers through the hair at his temple.

“You came in there with so much confidence where did it go?” Kaidan asked.

Joshua shrugged and glanced over into the living room, studying the back of the couch. “Same place where all bad ideas go.”

Kaidan hugged him then, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and waist and tugging him against him tightly. Joshua sighed and let his head rest on Kaidan’s shoulder. Kaidan’s fingers threaded through the back of his hair and he held him there, Joshua let him.

Kaidan was too good to him, Kaidan put up with things that other people would just outright kick him to the curb for. But Kaidan was just one person, and fairly normal for a person who spent half of their time running across the galaxy being a Spectre super hero and the other half teaching biotic soldiers how to do what. Joshua had more kinks, more experience with said kinks because he’d spent some of his teen years hanging out with mercs and they got into…interesting stuff.

Kaidan had settled a hand on his lower back, right against his spine. He felt Kaidan squeeze him and sigh softly, his typical ‘I’m about to be fighting for patience’ sigh. “Now, let’s try that again.” He pulled back slightly, just enough so that they could see each other’s faces.

“Yeah, sure, how about, ‘Hi Kaden, I was just going for a run, I’ll see you later!’ Good?” Joshua asked, attempting to turn back to the door again.

“That’s not what I heard.” Kaidan frowned at him, and increased his grip, both arms wrapping tightly around his hips and keeping him there.

“If you heard then why do I have to repeat it?”

“Because you haven’t trusted me with _anything_ in months, and when you finally did as soon as it was out of your mouth you about faced and ran for it!” Kaidan finally let go of him, only to take a step back from him and cross his arms. He started looking at him with that expression that said, ‘I’m about to be very frustrated with you, so choose your next words carefully.’

“B…” Joshua held his tongue between his teeth to stop himself from using the tone he’d almost used, and dropped his gaze to the seams on the toe of his socks. “Because you got that look on your face,” he said softly, much more softly than he’d almost said originally.

Kaidan looked affronted, his brow furrowing further. “What look?”

“That one.” Joshua pointed upwards with his chin towards Kaidan’s face, slipping his hands into his pockets and dropping his gaze back to his socks.

“…Joshua.” Kaidan sounded slightly exasperated, but then he sighed and there was silence which Joshua felt was too heavy…until Kaidan suddenly appeared in his peripheral vision.

He looked up and Kaidan took a step forward. He took a step back, feeling crowded. Kaidan repeated the motion and Joshua backed up again, frowning at him. The action was continued until Joshua was backed up against their front door, at which point Kaidan wrapped one arm around his hips, placing his hand in his back pocket, the other ran down his face. Joshua couldn’t look away, he liked looking at Kaidan up close too much. Kaidan smiled at him reassuringly.

“I was just surprised,” Kaidan explained softly, kissing the corner of his lips gently.

“But you looked disgusted…”

This time Kaidan snorted at him. “Really? Disgusted?” he asked, pressing their hips together. Joshua swallowed at the feeling of Kaidan’s erection pressed between them. Okay, apparently not.

“I…um…”

“So, do you want to try again?” Kaidan asked. He kissed him gently and Joshua nodded slowly as he pulled away.

He looked intently at his lover, feeling his face colour from the proximity and the lack of his prior confidence despite the situation. “I…” He swallowed once, gaze darting away for a moment as he sorted his thoughts. Kaidan just watched him indulgently, tilting his head slightly as he looked back. “I want you to tie me up and…and fuck me.”

Kaidan practically purred, leaning forward to kiss him again. “I think I can do that,” he told him huskily, with their lips still pressed together. “I’ll go…get some supplies tomorrow, and then we can figure stuff out, okay?”

And _that_ was the only reason he trusted Kaidan with this sort of thing. He’d never, by any stretch of the imagination, let anyone else tie him up or incapacitate him on purpose. But Kaidan was going to make sure they sat down and made sure they knew what they were doing, he wasn’t going to let him get ahead of himself and get into a bad situation. He _could_ trust Kaidan.

He nodded slowly, gaze dancing around again for a moment before settling on Kaidan’s again and seeing the love in his eyes. “Yeah, okay.”

Kaidan kissed his jaw. “Good, now you’re going to help me with this mess you’ve caused.”

Joshua nodded again, a bit more eagerly this time, knowing that Kaidan couldn’t really see it, but he could feel it with this lips pressed against his jugular. He felt the graze of Kaidan’s teeth, and then the man took his hand and promptly led him to their bedroom.

-o-

Joshua sat on their bed, looking at the assortment of “things with which to tie Joshua up” on the dresser. His legs hung over the edge, and he had them crossed, the one leg over his other kicking slightly. Kaidan had locked himself away in their office for several hours the night before and then gone out shopping while Joshua was out on his actual run the day after.

He’d come back to this, and after his shower he’d sat on the end of the bed with Kaidan hovering next to the dresser. “You didn’t have to buy everything,” he said, looking at the collection warily.

He didn’t want Kaidan to use that much rope, or silk, or hand cuffs, or anything else either. How he’d managed to get in and out of a shop without anyone recognising him was beyond him as well, Kaidan was getting more and more famous these days. He was humanity’s new ‘only human Spectre’ after all.

“Yeah, uh…I got there and realised I didn’t actually know what…um…material you wanted to use.” Kaidan explained, fingers running over the edge of the dresser. He sounded nervous, Joshua uncrossed his legs and backed up onto the bed.

“You know if you don’t want to do this…”

Kaidan looked up at him from the collection, and quickly closed the distance between them in two long steps. His hands fell, strong, on his shoulders. “I just don’t want to do anything that might hurt you. I spent all night researching…er…how to do this, and I just…I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You wouldn’t hurt me,” Joshua told him, leaning his head to one side over Kaidan’s hand.

Kaidan sighed softly. “Accidents happen Joshua.”

Joshua thought about that, rubbing his cheek into the top of Kaidan’s hand and worrying his lips together. “Well then, what do you want to do?” he asked, looking up at his lover out of the corner of his eye.

Kaidan chuckled awkwardly. “Well, that’s sort of what I’m supposed to ask you.”

“But you already know what _I_ want to do,” Joshua told him, as Kaidan started thumbing at his cheek with the other hand.

“Okay then, what _don’t_ you want me to do?” Kaidan asked, and Joshua frowned at him. Kaidan hadn’t ever done anything that he didn’t want him to do, as soon as he said he didn’t like something Kaidan reacted and stopped.

But then he thought of something, and gripped the hand which was touching his face tightly. “You can’t leave.”

Kaidan nodded, clearly thinking that was easy. “Okay what el—“

“No, you can’t leave at all. Okay? You can’t leave unless I’m untied and can come with you, don’t leave the room, don’t go into the bathroom, don’t—“

“Shh, shh, okay, I won’t leave.” Kaidan said softly, both hands holding his face now. Kaidan placed a soft kiss on his lips and Joshua sighed softly, unsure where his sudden anxiety over the thought had come from. Just the idea of being unable to move, and that Kaidan may not come back, or that something might happen to him and he wouldn’t be able to help…he hadn’t thought about any of that.

Kaidan kissed him gently again, clearly sensing that he’d worked himself up again. There was probably deeper meaning in his anxiety, but he really just wanted to forget it instead.

“Okay…and?” Joshua asked, worried that Kaidan’s next thing would be too heavy.

“A word,” Kaidan said, and Joshua frowned in confusion. Kaidan continued, “A word which you can say if things get too heavy, or you need me to stop everything that we’re doing.”

“Reaper?” Joshua offered immediately.

Kaidan chuckled, thumbing his cheek and kissing him again. Joshua could almost feel his love through the kiss. “Yeah, you don’t really call out ‘Reaper’ during sex.”

“No, I usually call out things like, ‘uh, god, fuck me’ and ‘Kaidan, please!’” Joshua said, entirely joking, but putting all of his effort into mocking his sex voice. Kaidan’s cheeks went just the perfect shade of pink.

“Yeah…you can’t use those words,” Kaidan agreed, swallowing and pulling away from him to go back to the dresser. “I don’t intend to use all of it, just pick what you like better.”

“What, we’ll just throw the rest out?” Joshua asked, standing as well and approaching the large collection.

“Mm, well, even if you don’t use them this time…the handcuffs…”

“Keep ‘em…” Joshua agreed, running his hands over the rope and deciding it was too rough for his liking. After several minutes he picked out the several lengths of silk which Kaidan had bought, it was soft and even when he held it in his hands and _pulled_ it didn’t hurt very much. He could also tell that if he really tried hard enough he could break it. He’d already noticed that Kaidan had bought more silk than anything else. He threw an interested glance at him, silently requesting an explanation.

“I uh…I figured you’d like that one better,” Kaidan explained. Joshua felt a great deal of affection for him then, turning and wrapping his arms around Kaidan’s neck and shoulders and pulling him in for a loving kiss.

“You know me so well,” he breathed, his lips mere centimetres from Kaidan’s. His eyes, barely cracked open, met Kaidan’s heated gaze.

“I try,” Kaidan replied huskily, tugging him closer by the hips so that their thus far barely kept erections pressed together. Joshua huffed softly, kissing Kaidan again briefly and then letting his head fall on Kaidan’s shoulder. “Anything else? I think we should keep one of our omnitool blades nearby, to make sure we can get you free quick if you need to.”

Joshua nodded, pressing his hips against Kaidan’s gently and eliciting a soft hum from him. “Yeah, good.” He pressed his lips together, breathing softly through his nose.

“Hey there, don’t shut off your brain just yet,” Kaidan muttered to him gently, barely managing a chastising tone.

“But, Kaidan…” he whined.

“Is there anything else we need to discuss? Is there anything else you don’t want?” Kaidan, either mercifully or tormentingly,took a short step back so that their hips couldn’t touch. Joshua whined either way, wanting the friction back.

“You’re…you’re thinking too much.” He pulled back slightly and smiled at Kaidan gently. “Just… _just_ tie me up, and fuck me. That’s it, that’s all I want. You wouldn’t hurt me. You won’t.”

Kaidan smiled as well, looking almost relieved. “You trust me,” he muttered, running the back side of his hand down his cheek.

“You think I’d let anyone else tie me up? Hell no, I’d kill them all first,” Joshua admitted, the smile of his face growing.

Kaidan sighed and chuckled softly. “I uh…I started reading horror stories on the extranet last night.”

“Of _course_ you did!” Joshua said, part exasperated and part humorous. He pulled away from Kaidan to wander back over to the bed again. “That’s what I’d expect from my worrying lover.” He stood at the foot of the bed and started undoing his jeans, deciding to get whatever _this_ was done, because he wanted to get to the main event.

Kaidan chuckled again. Joshua’s back was to him, so he didn’t see what he was doing. As he tossed his shirt into their laundry pile Kaidan came up behind him, always touching him gently before touching him for real. Considering that he sometimes still startled when Kaidan came up behind him, he appreciated it. Kaidan, with one of the silk ties wrapped around his hand, ran his hand over Joshua’s belly. He shivered, responding by swallowing thickly, he felt his erection grow harder.

“Do you want to be on your front, or your back?” Kaidan asked gently, drawing little circles in the silk over his belly.

Joshua took a sharp breath, having apparently forgotten to breathe beforehand. “Which do you want?”

“Hmm…I want to do something,” Kaidan explained softly. “That requires that you’re on your back, I won’t do anything rough I promise, I just want to…try something.”

Anyone else, _anyone_ else, who wanted to tie him up and then do something which was apparently a secret and he would have been out the door, probably after flipping them over his shoulder and then kicking them in the face a few times. But _Kaidan_. Kaidan could literally get away with anything, really. But Kaidan _wouldn’t_ try to get away with anything, which was probably why get gave him so much rope (apparently literally now).

“Kay,” Joshua breathed, still enjoying the feeling of the silk on his skin.

“Then, could you get on the bed for me? Find a comfortable position, play with the pillows until you’re comfortable, you know.” Kaidan kissed his shoulders, and it was all Joshua could do to follow his kind request. Always more than happy to try and fulfil Kaidan’s whims, even when he was apprehensive about them.

He finished shedding his jeans and got onto the bed, first on his hands and knees, and then he did what Kaidan told him, finding a pillow for his hips and a pillow for under his head. He rolled onto his back, looking up at Kaidan with interest, his hands resting over his belly. Kaidan’s gaze, which quickly turned from affectionate to an appreciative drag over his body, settled on his face after a moment and he nodded slowly.

“I’m not tying your feet,” he explained.

“That’s probably a good idea, I definitely prefer my hands being incapacitated.”

“Well, that way you can at least _kick_ the shit out of me if there’s a problem.” Kaidan grinned at him, but Joshua suddenly felt very serious.

“I’d never hit you Kaidan. _Ever,_ ” he insisted.

Kaidan’s expression fell slightly. He sighed and nodded. “I know that,” he told him gently, shaking his head slightly before he started undressing too. He set the silk ties onto the bed and Joshua stretched to grab one with his toes, snagging it and transferring it to his hands so he could play with it while he watched Kaidan undress.

Once Kaidan was completely divested of his clothing as well, he knelt on the bed and gathered up his silk. He shuffled up until he was straddling Joshua’s hips and took hold of one of Joshua’s arms so that he could start running his hands up and down it.

Joshua shivered slightly, imagining just how _different_ this was going to be. He was going to be _completely_ out of his control. It was going to be really different. He watched as Kaidan reached over to the side table and grabbed his omnitool, set it to blade mode, and then put it back on the table.

“Just in case,” he muttered.

“Yup,” Joshua replied. His Kaidan, always prepared and ready for anything. Jack had called him a ‘boy scout’ a few times, she hadn’t been entirely wrong.

“Do you want me to tie your hands together, or I could just tie each of them to the headboard or…”

Joshua nudged Kaidan gently with his legs, getting his attention back. “Tie me up and _fuck me_ ,” he told him. Kaidan’s cock twitched slightly, Joshua grinned at him.

Kaidan wrapped one of the silk ties around his hands and leaned forward, closing him in on the bed with his arms above his head and his face right up close. Their lips were so close they were almost touching, but Kaidan didn’t kiss him. Joshua looked up at him, exploring the colours of his eyes with his own.

“Alright, I got it,” Kaidan said, a playful smile on his lips. “’Stop asking questions, Kaidan, and just get to it’, got it.”

Joshua snickered softly, until Kaidan’s lips finally met his and they shared a soft, long, kiss which expressed a lot more love than heat. But, when Joshua moved to wrap and arm around Kaidan’s neck Kaidan took hold of his wrist and held it above his head. The intensity of the kiss increased then, Kaidan pressing his tongue into his mouth and moaning.

At some point he captured the other hand as well, somehow managing to hold both of his wrists in one hand. Not that Joshua was trying to escape. When Kaidan pulled away they were both panting softly, Joshua’s erection was heavy on his stomach and he could feel the head of Kaidan’s cock touch his every time he shifted.

“Are you okay?” Kaidan asked softly, his eyes searching Joshua’s face intently.

“Hm,” Joshua agreed, nodding with a grin on his face. “No space bugs in sight.”

Kaidan slapped his hip gently. “You’re _not_ supposed to bring them up unless you need to quit _now_ ,” he told him sternly, but there was a smile on his face as well.

Joshua snickered. “Yessir, sorry sir.”

Kaidan nodded slowly, his lips twitching upwards slightly. “You’re not taking this seriously at all.”

“I didn’t ask for this to be a military drill you know,” Joshua said.

Kaidan chuckled softly. “Well _that’s_ true. Anyways, I’m gonna start tying now so you…stay still.”

“If I don’t?”

“I’ll _tickle you_ once I get you tied up,” Kaidan threatened.

Joshua snorted, but watched intently as Kaidan shuffled up his body a bit, getting closer to the headboard and carefully starting with his left wrist. He became bored after a moment, and decided to watch Kaidan’s cock instead. It bounced slightly with each movement.

“I could almost suck your cock from here,” Joshua told him, feeling Kaidan tug his arm slightly and letting him fasten his hand to the wooden headboard. He hadn’t thought about this when they’d bought the bed, but they did have a headboard which made it possible for this kind of thing.

Kaidan shifted slightly. “I don’t think I could tie while you suck my cock love,” he said gently. Joshua snickered, trying to reach with his tongue anyways. Kaidan looked down at him mid knot and raised an eyebrow at him. “What’re you doing?”

“Tongue exercises?” Joshua offered, with his tongue out so it sounded more like ‘tun ekherthithes?’

“Really.” Kaidan frowned at him for a second, and then his expression cracked and he started snickering as well. “I can’t tie if you make me laugh!” he complained.

“Are you doing complicated brain camp knots?” Joshua asked, his brows wiggling slightly.

Kaidan rolled his eyes at him, then tilted his head slightly like he was thinking. “Hmm… Next time maybe.” Just like that, without so much as a flinch, one of Kaidan’s hands began flaring blue and he ran his hand down his cheek. Joshua shivered, Kaidan’s biotics always felt like static that reached just a _bit_ too deep into his skin. It was a good feeling. “What do you think?”

“I think I’m done teasing you, please, continue,” Joshua said softly, a shiver running up his spine. “I haven’t seen your biotics in a long time.”

Kaidan nodded, withdrew his hand, and continued his knotting, the flare going out. “Yeah, I guess not.” Finally, because Kaidan was a perfectionist, he sat back and one hand was tied to the headboard. Joshua looked up at it, wiggling his fingers. “Okay?”

“Yup, not too tight, though I’m pretty sure the cybernetics prevent me from losing circulation.” He shuffled his shoulder a bit, testing his movement. It was enough that he could twist slightly if he needed to. A tug told him he could break through the knots if he wanted to, Kaidan hadn’t tied them tight enough to snag and be unable to get through.

Kaidan sighed. “That’s good. Next.” And so he moved onto the next one. This time Joshua stayed quiet, gently tugging against the already tied silk.

As Kaidan finished the second set of knots Joshua felt his anxiety spike slightly. His mind, well trained to never let him get into a situation that he was unable to get out of, tried to send him into panic mode. What if someone came in and he had to get out quickly? What if he got stuck and couldn’t escape? The more irrational part of his mind worried that Reapers and husks would swoop in upon them.

But they wouldn’t, he knew that, and he firmly told himself that Kaidan would take care of him, Kaidan would take care of everything. It was a testament to how far they’d come that he could do that. That his mind fell silent afterwards was even greater proof that they’d come a long way from where they’d started.

Kaidan sat back again, shuffling until he was perched over his hips and looked down at him with affection and just a bit of concern.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Joshua replied, smiling reassuringly. Kaidan, however, didn’t seem to trust himself.

Kaidan’s hand ran gently over his chest. “Kay, can I do the thing I wanted to try?”

“Go for it.”

Joshua watched as Kaidan leaned in and kissed him, he kissed him back, the kiss slow, like their last, loving, and affectionate. Joshua’s eyes slid shut, as Kaidan started running fingers up his chest and belly. He sighed softly, arching his back slightly and wanting to be able to wrap his arms around Kaidan. He felt a thrum of pleasure in his belly, that Kaidan was in control here and that he wasn’t.

Kaidan’s other hand settled on his shoulder as he trailed the kiss off of his lips, down to the corner of his lips and down to his jaw. Joshua gasped softly as Kaidan thumbed his nipple gently. This seemed pretty normal, at least he thought so. Usually Kaidan wasn’t as explorative with kisses, but he didn’t mind that.

Gentle nips and licks were layered down his neck, down the side and then around the front. He felt teeth gently on his wind pipe and the air rushed out of his lungs, accompanied by a soft gasp. Gentle, everything gentle, and Kaidan could play him like a fine tuned instrument. Fingers danced over his nipples, chest, and just over his stomach as Kaidan’s kissing reached his collar bone.

Joshua was already breathing heavier, little shocks of pleasure making him moan softly as Kaidan moved down his body. He paused to run his tongue up over each nipple, rolling each and sucking over them gently in turn. Joshua arched his back, generally his nipples weren’t very sensitive, but the feeling of the silk on his wrists, and the feeling of being unable to move, coupled with Kaidan’s gentle and thorough treatment made him feel a bit more sensitive than usual.

When Kaidan began rolling his left nipple between his teeth Joshua moaned loudly, arching his back up and struggling slightly against the ties because he wanted to run his fingers through Kaidan’s hair. When he looked down he found Kaidan looking up at him with an affectionate expression on his face, his lips tilted up at one side.

Kaidan continued his slow journey, kissing his sternum and running his fingers up and down his sides. After several moments of Kaidan just touching and kissing him he stopped at a spot which both of them usually ignored. Kaidan’s hands usually found it at some point, but generally they just ignored the awful red scar across his middle. It was ugly, puckered, and still as angry as the day he’d woken up from his coma. The edges had receded a bit, but it just made the main body of it look worse, more puckered than before.

And yet, Kaidan kissed the edge of it, right above his belly button. He gently massaged the spot beside his belly button with two of his fingers, and Joshua squirmed a bit.

“Kaidan,” he protested softly, frowning. Kaidan looked up at him, mildly interested as he kissed down and around his belly button. “Kaidan leave it alone it’s just…” Ugly, awful, and better left ignored.

“It’s a part of you,” Kaidan told him gently, fingers rubbing a circle on the hip which the scar covered the most of. It was almost a diagonal on his belly, starting just at his back on his left, going over his hip and belly, and then up across his belly. The other hip was basically untouched, there it went up almost to his ribs.

“Leave it,” Joshua complained, even as Kaidan kissed the hip he’d been rubbing.

“I love it just as much as I love you, you know. I see how you try not to look at it.” Well now Joshua knew why Kaidan hadn’t wanted to elaborate on this plan earlier, he definitely would have said no. The lead up was good, his body was still tingling slightly, but even with Kaidan kissing, rubbing, and licking the puckered and frankly sensitive skin, if it could even be called that, he felt a bit disgusted. He was surprised Kaidan could even manage to touch it.

“Hmm…” he shook his head slightly and turned to look at the door. He heard Kaidan sigh, felt him press one more kiss right alongside his belly button, and then looked up as he climbed back up his body again.

“ _I_ love it, it’s a part of you, and I love you, I love _all_ of you,” Kaidan explained softly, capturing his lips in a kiss at the same moment he wrapped his hand around his cock.

Joshua’s eyes slid shut and he huffed slightly into the kiss, rolling his hips up into Kaidan’s hand. He didn’t understand it, but he couldn’t deny Kaidan his love for something, that wasn’t right. “Alright,” he muttered, lids fluttering slightly and he glanced down at where their lips were connected.

“You okay?” Kaidan asked, with his lips still ghosting over his, Joshua felt like he’d be hearing that a few more times.

“Yeah…just…” The hand on his cock was shutting off his brain.

“Weird?” Kaidan asked.

“Mm…yeah…” he agreed softly, bucking his hips into Kaidan’s hand again. Kaidan’s other hand settled on his chest, drawing a circle with his thumb. “Can we…uh…” He spread his legs slightly, not sure at that moment how else to explain what he wanted.

Kaidan chuckled. “We can, just one second, okay? I’m not going anywhere, just to the drawer.” At once all the touches stopped, but bless the man, he kept one hand on his chest as if to make sure he knew he wasn’t going anywhere. Even though Joshua saw him struggling slightly working through the drawer with one hand, he endured it and returned to the bed a bit later than it usually would have taken him, with the lube and a condom in his hand.

“Love you,” Joshua muttered softly, as Kaidan leaned in to kiss him again.

“I know, I love you too.” Kaidan replied, and Joshua squirmed against the bindings as he heard the lube cap click. He didn’t know how he was going to do this part without being able to hold the sheets, or Kaidan, but he’d try his best. He spread his legs a bit more. “I’m gonna work you over a bit more than usual, kay?” Kaidan asked, looking up at him with a face that told him he expected a clear answer.

“Hm…yeah, okay.” Joshua nodded, he just wanted Kaidan to get on with it, but he seemed to be set on keeping him updated on everything. He wasn’t going to argue about it, if it was something that Kaidan needed to do.

Joshua watched as Kaidan’s coated his fingers with lube, keeping a close eye on him as he did so. Joshua’s gaze flicked to the eyes which were watching him so intently and he squirmed a bit, arching his back a bit as he did so. He saw Kaidan’s pupils dilate slightly. He’d probably seen the way his cock bobbed slightly on his stomach when he arched his back.

“Kay, relax,” Kaidan said softly, placing a hand over his belly, specifically over his scar, and probing with the other finger between his cheeks until he found his entrance. Not that it took much looking, he was pretty sure that Kaidan knew his body better than him by now.

He didn’t know why he was being told to relax, it was only one finger, but he wiggled his hips a bit and tried to look like he’d relaxed anyways. He was finding it amusing that Kaidan was more nervous than he was. At least, until he felt Kaidan’s digit breach his entrance and he couldn’t think anymore.

He also couldn’t think because Kaidan had taken hold of his cock and was stroking him, painfully slow, at the same time as his finger continued its slow penetration. Joshua gasped softly, bucking his hips, but having no idea where to move. Finally, after what felt like several agonising moments, Kaidan’s finger was in to the knuckle.

Joshua flexed his arms, looking down at Kaidan and moaning softly as Kaidan looked up at him and ran his thumb very deliberately up the very nice vein on the underside of his cock. Joshua loved that spot because Kaidan always put the perfect amount of pressure on it.

“Kaidan…” He wrapped one leg around Kaidan’s hip, tugging on him gently. “More.”

Kaidan chuckled. “Okay, okay.” Probably against his better judgement, because he would know it was a bit too soon, Kaidan gently pulled out his finger, and then pressed it back in with the second alongside it. Joshua, however, loved the feeling of being stretched a bit too soon, the slight sting and tug and the feeling of his nerves surprised by the invasion was good. He arched his back again, pressing his head back into the pillow and moaning as Kaidan gently finger fucked him with the two fingers.

Joshua curled his toes, tugging on Kaidan with the foot that was still around his hip while his other heel buried into the blankets. When Kaidan’s thrusting fingers found his prostate he cried out, yanking slightly at the silk by accident because his arms spasmed. He dug his heel into Kaidan’s back, trying to roll his hips down in such a way that he could get more of the feeling.

“Can I try something?” Kaidan asked, looking up at him and abruptly stopping all of his movements.

Joshua took a sharp breath, feeling odd with Kaidan’s fingers just sitting inside him, the pad of one resting right on his sweet spot. When he wiggled his hips in protest he could feel it, he gasped softly. “Kaidan…please…”

“If you can’t answer me, I have to continue like normal,” Kaidan told him gently.

“I just…” Joshua squirmed again, Kaidan’s hand was still on his cock, his fingers still up his ass, he just wanted him to _move_. He could almost simulate movement if he tried hard enough, when he moved Kaidan’s hands moved. “J-Just do whatever you want, just please _touch_ me.”

Kaidan’s lip twitched upwards, Joshua just barely noticed through his lust induced haze. No other man had ever made him shut off like Kaidan did.

And then he felt it, just an odd light tingling at first, but then it was a full-fledged feeling of electric buzz along his insides. He practically shouted, the feeling of whatever it was driving his senses crazy. He clenched his teeth, arching his back sharply and working his hips so that the feeling was pressed hard against his prostate.

“O-oh god…Kaidan, ah!” he cried, arching so sharply that his head pressed back into the pillow. His arms pulled at the silk, he felt one of the ties tighten on his wrist from the movement somewhere in the back of his mind. The forefront only able to acknowledge the strange, wonderful, feeling of static electricity running through his body.

The pleasure from the tingling felt like small, fantastic explosions. He felt like he was almost coming, but he couldn’t feel himself coming. He asked Kaidan for more, _begged_ him for more, and absolutely grinded his hips against the feeling. And then it stopped abruptly. He whimpered, really whimpered, his vision clearing from the almost white out of stars in his eyes. His chest heaved as he panted. Kaidan’s fingers had been withdrawn from both his cock and his passage.

Joshua looked up at him, pretty sure the look on his face was somewhere between close to tears and desperation for more. Kaidan climbed up his body, looking at him with concern. He seemed to be investigating him from close up for some reason, their faces mere centimetres away from each other.

“Are you okay? I didn’t…well I didn’t expect…that…Jesus.”

“Kaidan,” Joshua gasped, his arms tugging at the ties again because he wanted to hold onto him so badly, wanted to hold onto something. His fingers gripped at nothing.

“Sorry I…”

“What the hell was that? It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt in my life…” Joshua managed, his voice slightly raw. He could still feel the remnants of the pleasure in his system, like it was buzzing around inside him. His cock _ached_ , his asshole twitched slightly and felt entirely empty without Kaidan’s fingers. He couldn’t comprehend why Kaidan had stopped, he’d been feeling like he was coming every few seconds.

“I read somewhere… ‘bout biotics,” Kaidan told him. “But I ignored it until you mentioned it earlier and then—“

“Shut up and get your cock in me,” Joshua gasped, trying to stretch his hips up so he could touch Kaidan’s cock with his.

“Are you okay?” Kaidan asked again.

Joshua groaned, both out of frustration and exasperation. “I’m really _awful_ right now. _Please_ Kaidan.”

At that, finally, the worry between Kaidan’s brows settled and he chuckled softly. “You’re really demanding for being the one tied to the bed,” he told him.

“And if I don’t get thoroughly fucked in the next few minutes I’m going to _break_ these ties and have my way with you myself.”

Kaidan kissed him gently, a patient smile on his face. Joshua found it a bit frustrating that he was losing his mind while Kaidan was so calm. He tugged at the ties again, enjoying the feeling of the silk tightening on his wrists. “Alright, roger that, _Commander_.”

For some reason that word, the title he had come to hate so much over the past several years, made a thrill of pleasure run up his spine. Kaidan had said it in such a way that just told him that he wasn’t really the one in charge, like the title was just a word and Kaidan was calling the shots. He was, but hearing it said made his stomach tighten with lust.

He watched as Kaidan slid on the condom, wiggling his hips slightly because he really wanted to be able to protest the action, but he knew he couldn’t. When the head of Kaidan’s cock was _finally_ pressed against his pucker again he wrapped his legs around Kaidan’s hips, keeping him there in case he got any other ideas. The skin around his entrance still tingled slightly when Kaidan touched him, his nerves still over sensitive.

When he pushed in it was the most marvelous feeling he’d ever felt. The burn, still there because that was just how things went, took a back burner to the feeling of his nerves positively tingling as Kaidan pressed further.

Joshua huffed, his breath all leaving him at once and tapering out into a soft moan.

“Y-You’re really tight,” Kaidan told him, through gritted teeth. “Like… _really._ ”

“Yes,” Joshua gasped, rolling his hips to meet Kaidan’s first thrust.

“D-Doesn’t hurt?” Kaidan asked, and Joshua really wanted to smack him, but he couldn’t with his hands tied up.

“No,” he replied, trying really hard to get the words out. It felt phenomenal, but the word was really long and his mouth wouldn’t work long enough for it. “Good. So good. More, _now_ ,” he said desperately, rolling his hips again.

Kaidan took hold of him by the hips and practically pulled him down onto his cock, setting a quick, rough, pace. Joshua gasped, glad that Kaidan was working his hips for him because he was pretty sure he couldn’t move. He arched his back, legs clenching around Kaidan’s hips as he was fucked.

Kaidan groaned softly, his head falling forward. Joshua watched him, or at least tried to, but his eyes kept closing when Kaidan hit a particularly sensitive spot or brushed against his prostate. Eventually he just focused on watching Kaidan’s hips smacking against his ass, hearing the slapping sound and moaning with each thrust.

He wanted to touch himself, his arms tugged at the bindings again and he twisted slightly as if he was trying to escape them. Kaidan noticed, looking up at him and moaning softly, before he said, “Don’t worry love, I’ll make you cum.” Joshua whined. “Do you want to come?”

“Yes…now, please.” The electric feeling of every slide of Kaidan’s cock was driving him crazy, he needed stimulation and he needed it right now.

Kaidan’s lip twitched up at the side and he shifted slightly, tugging Joshua’s hips up onto his legs a bit and aiming his thrusts with precision. Each thrust now drove straight into and over his prostate. Joshua cried out sharply at each thrust, his thighs clenching around Kaidan’s middle and his eyes screwed shut and he rode the pleasure as Kaidan pulled his hips into each thrust.

It was mind numbing, he desperately wanted to be touched, but all he could do was cry out his pleasure. He couldn’t even beg Kaidan to actually touch him. And then Kaidan started talking.

“Next time,” he gasped, and Joshua managed to crack his eyes open and catch him looking right at him. “Next time, I’ll get toys, and I’ll tie you up, and I’ll push a nice. Big. Vibrator. Up in your ass.” Each word was punctuated with a rough thrust, his voice low and husking.. Joshua, unused to Kaidan talking dirty _at all_ moaned loudly as his eyes shut tightly again, his back arching all over again. “And I’ll stand here, and I’ll just watch as you writhe.”

Joshua whimpered, too much pleasure, and the very vivid mental image of what Kaidan was promising him, making him want to come even more, but he couldn’t. Not without Kaidan touching him.

“Come on, cum for me love,” Kaidan urged, his tone still husky.

“C-Can’t!” Joshua cried frustratedly, his legs were _shaking_ , his arms tugging at the bindings desperately. He wanted to cum, he wanted to cum so badly, but he just cried out.

And then Kaidan aimed an exceptionally sharp thrust straight into his sweet spot, and Joshua cried out soundlessly as his body finally gave in and let him cum. All he could feel was the pleasure finally uncoiling tight in his belly, his legs even tighter around Kaidan’s sides, and his back arching off the bed. He felt his cum spatter on his chest and stomach.

“Kaidan,” he gasped, his lover was still thrusting into him. He opened his eyes, panting softly through his nose as he watched the concentration on Kaidan’s face. He wanted to experience the feeling of Kaidan filling him, of reaching his completement, but he knew that wasn’t going to happen today. He whispered, “Fill me,” anyways, in a soft, desperate voice.

Kaidan groaned, his fingers tensing on his hips. Joshua felt him give one, two, three, more rough thrusts and then press himself hard against his ass as he threw his head back and moaned, grinding himself against his ass as he rode out his climax. And then slumped forward slightly.

After a moment, Kaidan looked up at him, gaze probing. Joshua wiggled his hips slightly, enjoying the feeling of Kaidan inside him.

“That was mean,” Joshua complained, tugging at the bindings again and realising that the fingers on his right hand were going numb.

“Sorry that was…that was a bit mean of me yeah,” Kaidan agreed. “You okay?”

Joshua looked up at the bindings around his wrists and grunted softly as Kaidan pulled out of him. He watched as Kaidan pulled off and then tied off the condom, tossing it in their waste basket.

“Did you mean what you said?” Joshua asked, instead of answering Kaidan’s question as Kaidan came up along beside him on the bed and started undoing the ties. He watched his lover’s fingers stutter slightly on the knot.

“Uh…”

“You’re gonna tie me up and watch me writhe?”

Kaidan cleared his throat as Joshua’s left hand came loose and Joshua used his new found freedom to run a hand up Kaidan’s chest. Kaidan looked over at him, and chuckled softly.

“Yeah, that was…that was probably a bit much.” Kaidan admitted softly, quickly moving to his other side to untie the other hand.

“I think it’s a great idea,” Joshua told him, earning a look of shock from his lover who all but forgot his task in favour of leaning over him with a look that said, ‘did you take a hit to the head?’ “Who knew that you were just as kinky me?” Joshua smiled up at Kaidan.

And then Kaidan kissed him, just a gentle, loving, meeting of lips. Joshua used his one free hand to thread through Kaidan’s hair. He loved Kaidan’s hair, he loved touching it, he didn’t touch it very often, but it was a lovely texture…maybe he was noticing that because he’d been unable to touch him.

“Mm,” Joshua complained softly, and Kaidan pulled away automatically. “I can’t feel my hand.”

Kaidan pulled back completely. “Shit, really?” He went about untying his right hand at double speed, and when Joshua got it free he ran his other hand over the wrist, working the blood back into it. “Sorry, why didn’t you say something?”

“I just did. I tugged on it too much and the knot tightened a bit, no worries Kaidan.” He sat up, ignoring the dull pain in his ass and paying more attention to his hand than his lover who was sitting on the bed beside him until he noticed how quiet he’d gone. He looked up at him. The poor man looked so disappointed, holding the tie in his hand and glaring at it. “Hey,” he reached up with his, now completely fine, hand and ran it down Kaidan’s face. “ _Thank you_.”

“For what?” Kaidan asked, sounding disbelieving.

“For being the one person in the entire galaxy that I can trust to tie me up, have his way with me, and then free me again.”

Kaidan snorted. “I sure as hell _hope_ I’m the only one in the galaxy that you trust to have his way with you.”

Joshua snickered. This was one of those moments where he wanted to ask Kaidan to spend the rest of his life with him, officially, maybe ask him to take a few less Spectre missions. But he didn’t. He just leaned in and kissed Kaidan gently on the lips, still cupping his face.

“You’re _definitely_ the only one in the galaxy who I’d trust to have his way with me,” he told him, a smile on his face. Kaidan’s lips quirked up at the side. “Can we do this again?” Joshua asked, the eagerness slipping into his voice.

Kaidan seemed to think about it, then he picked up the lube bottle and put it and the silk ties on the side table. “Yeah, I think we can do this again,” he decided, looking at him with a soft expression on his face.

“Hmm…shower?” Joshua asked, wanting to get the grimy feeling of ‘I just had sex’ off of him before bed.

“Yup, c’mere.” Kaidan reached out a hand and helped him up off of the bed, then tugged him against him gently and squeezed him. “I love you.”

Joshua sighed contentedly, nuzzling into the crook of Kaidan’s neck. “I love you too Kaidan.”

They just stood there in silence for a while, despite the wish for a shower, holding onto each other and breathing in each other’s scents.


End file.
